5 Ridiculous, Real Crimes Committed In Florida This Week

According to wftv.com, Florida residents with AT&T service were unable to call 911 yesterday. This was apparently a problem in multiple states including Kentucky, Indiana, Georgia, Texas, and Tennessee.

But we’re mostly interested in Florida, because there’s always something batshit crazy happening there. Here are five completely real news stories from The Sunshine State just from yesterday and today. This is why 911 service can NEVER be down in Florida.


5. Ex-Con Steals Maserati During Test Drive

WCTV in Tallahassee reports that a man on parole from a federal drug conviction stole a Maserati while taking it on a test drive. He was quickly arrested – because the dealership had a copy of his driver’s license. According to the report, “he stopped at a Boca Raton resort during the drive…promising to show off a boat, but then left the salesman at the dock and drove away.” You know what, that salesman deserved it. He fell for “hey, go look at my cool boat. It’s a little further…a little further…”


4. Woman Rams Vehicle After Being Sold Fake Jewelry

According to news4jax.com, “a woman is accused of chasing and ramming into another vehicle…after being sold fake jewelry.” Where did she buy this jewelry, you ask? Oh, you know, the normal place you buy jewelry – The Regency Square Mall food court.

This is the only jewelry you should expect to receive in a mall food court:


3. Dead Shark Found In Walmart Parking Lot

That’s right – there was a dead, 5-foot-long shark found in the Wal-Mart parking lot. That’s all.

Ok, one quote from The Orlando Sentinel story: “Deputies talked to the owner of an RV parked nearby and learned that the RV owner had woken to find the shark on his vehicle’s hood. The owner said he then put it in the cart.” Mystery solved!

2. Iron Man Robs Blood Bank

Let’s get Fort Lauderdale in on the fun – a man dressed as Iron Man reportedly robbed a blood bank there.

According to the report, “BSO spokeswoman Joy Oglesby said the gunman told the employees, ‘I’m hungry.’”


1. And finally – Jimmy Buffett is opening a chain of Margaritaville retirement communities.

“Hello, 911? I stepped on a pop top, send help!” Is this a crime? Yes, yes it is.

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