Every morning when I wake up, I give my face a long, hard look in the mirror and ask myself, “What can I do to improve my appearance?” Sometimes I comb my hair, occasionally I’ll brush my teeth and once in every blue moon I’ll even take a shower. But without fail, every single day I take the time to go the extra mile in what’ll truly set me apart from my idiot millennial peers:
Because if having purple hair, a salty attitude and a resting bitch face isn’t enough to get me hired somewhere, then drawing cocks at the corners of my eyes will definitely do the trick.
It all started when Asia Brautigam, a 19-year-old from California, decided that she “wanted to joke around about the creative and artistic eyeshadow looks” that she sees online. You probably don’t know what she’s talking about, because most of you reading this are men and why the fuck would you be looking at makeup trends on Instagram, but here’s an example anyway:
Now, would anyone in their right minds leave their house wearing camouflage lipstick and purple eyeshadow? No. Yet here we are, glorifying this shit as “artsy” and “expressive” when in reality it’s just dumb. Yeah yeah, “high fashion” isn’t meant to be applicable to everyday life, but what’s the point in showcasing clothes and makeup that no one outside of fucking Madonna is going to wear? Madonna looks like crap. No one wants to look like Madonna. Do YOU want to look like Madonna?
See? Even Madonna doesn’t want to look like Madonna.
Luckily for Asia, Twitter was completely on-board with her take on idiotic makeup tricks. People even started doing their own, though I’m not sure drawing a dick on my face just to upload the photo to the Internet is enough of a draw to get me out of bed and playing with makeup:
So yes, this is a trend in that if you have a teenage daughter obsessed with makeup and Instagram, you may see her walking around the house with dicks in her eyes. But if you are over the age of 20, have a job and at least a modicum of sensibility, you probably won’t see this anywhere. Thank Christ.