America’s Most Endangered Species: Fun People

That’s Kim Kardashian doing a keg stand. In America. Just a few years ago. There may be no greater example of just how far away we’ve fallen away from having fun than the fact that she is now a mother of two who has botoxed her smile away, seemingly forever. After marrying a guy who is even richer than she is. Girlfriend can raid her stepdad’s closet for dresses now and she hasn’t even been able to find joy in that. I don’t even wear dresses (as far as you know) and that sounds like a party.

America used to be a lot of fun. We’re the country that invented tailgating, Playboy, and mocking people who aren’t us. The Fun Police haven’t been able to destroy tailgating yet (it’ll happen), but Playboy has given up on naked women and we’re now spending millions of dollars on Orwellian monitoring programs to make sure college kids don’t say bad stuff.

Isn’t the whole purpose of the college experience to be stupid and insensitive? I think that was one of my fourteen majors. I minored in Jail, but that’s only because it wasn’t offered as a major.

If what’s happening in America’s universities right now is any indication, we’re in for a long, humorless time when these whiners get released into the wild. College campuses are now one big lawn that pinched, grumpy twenty-somethings are screaming at the rest of us to get off of. Hard labor camps in North Korea probably see more smiling faces on any given day than you are likely to encounter in a hive of seething campus social justice warriors barking about “safe spaces” like a chihuahua that’s just been stepped on.

It’s not just the college kids, there is plenty of blame to be spread around for the no-fun plague that is infecting America. Roger Goodell, who may very well be Satan (no one has ever seen them in the same place at the same time), is doing everything he can to suck the joy out of the once great game of real football. He’s been slowly phasing out tackling for years. If Goodell is allowed to leave a permanent stamp on the game, Super Bowls in the near future will consist of nothing but tuxedoed gentlemen politely bowing and apologizing for being in each other’s territory, followed by a long hug and a good cry. Score won’t be kept anymore, of course, because feelings and shame and stuff.

For the moment, however, the game still revolves around hitting and scoring. A combination of the two are required to win the game. If you happen to be good at either, Lucifer Goodell would prefer that you not enjoy the fact that you are.

While we spend extraordinary time and effort rewarding mediocrity these days, the people who are paid a lot of money to win and statistically prove themselves better aren’t supposed to revel in their prowess. I had one tackle in my illustrious but brief high school football career and I still do a celebration dance over it whenever I’m in the shower. PENALIZE THAT, SATAN.

Forget climate change, enemies abroad, or the fact that sting you just felt probably means that the Zika mosquitoes have come to your neighborhood, America’s real existential threat is our inability to have fun. If we don’t reverse course quickly, we will have to replace the bald eagle with some sort of constipated, resting bitch face thing.

I am not just here to point out problems, I like being a full-service solutions provider too. Here a just a few suggestions to help get you and your friends back on a path to not being in danger of getting a perma-scowl.

1: Watch Blazing Saddles

This movie couldn’t get made now. It offends almost everyone, which is why it is perhaps the most glorious thing ever made in Hollywood. The entire movie is a trigger, and it should be shown the jellyfish students who are traumatized by Halloween costumes. Think of it as “Scared Straight” for the SJW generation. People who can’t laugh at this movie probably can’t ever laugh. They’re perfect for government work.

2: Watch Japanese television

Hey, they helped save our auto industry. I don’t know if it’s the population density, the diet heavy on veggies, or the whole losing a World War thing, but the Japanese have an understanding of television that we simply don’t. Whenever I see Japanese TV I am convinced not only that pure thought beings exist in the universe, but that they may actually be living among us. There is a non-linearity to it that makes even British comedy look highly structured.

Yes, there is a lot of great television in America right now, but none of it is “We made a whole series starring a chimp and a bulldog” great.

3: Two Words: Guzzle Buddy

Every wine drinker who doesn’t live at Downton Abbey has, at one time or another, skipped the middle-man and chugged from the bottle. This really makes things awkward if you’re not alone, even more so if you’re in a nice restaurant (long story-I’ll tell you over a bottle of wine one day).

What may very well be the greatest innovation of the 21st Century, the Guzzle Buddy, bridges the refinement gap between expedient alcoholic and cultured connoisseur. Bottle swiggers merely need to attach the GB, extend a pinkie and it’s all, “How do you do, m’lord?”

“Plug it and chug it” indeed.

Let’s have some fun America. First guzzle is on me. Subsequent tackling and sack dancing is up to you.


Stephen Kruiser is a professional stand-up comic and writer who has had the honor of entertaining U.S. troops all over the world. 

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