Amy Schumer Is Playing Barbie Because Nothing Really Matters

Amy Schumer


Since we’ve reached peak 2016, Amy Schumer is now going to play Barbie. Put there’s a twist! To put this whole thing in perspective, when I go to Getty Images and search for Amy Schumer then click “Most Popular”, the banner is what comes up. Fell free to draw your own conclusions.

Aside from the fact that she has Barbie hair, Schumer’s growing stature as a role model for female empowerment fits perfectly with how the film will exploit Barbie’s evolution into dolls of different sizes and shapes. Schumer will play a character who lives in Barbieland, among all of the various Barbie characters beloved by doll collectors (there are dolls covering over 180 careers). In a fish-out-of-water story reminiscent of films like Splash and Big, Schumer’s Barbie gets kicked out, basically because she’s not perfect enough, is a bit eccentric and doesn’t quite fit the mold. She then goes on an adventure in the real world and by the time she returns to Barbieland to save it, she has gained the realization that perfection comes on the inside, not the outside, and that the key to happiness is belief in oneself, free of the obligation to adhere to some unattainable standard of perfection.

LOL. Fuck off. Just fuck the hell off. So basically this movie is one big Tumblr post. Barbie is a damn toy. Sometime shit doesn’t have to be this deep. Sony must be paying Amy Schumer in compliments, because she signed on to play Barbie’s fat, best friend, but in real life, she’ll have a psychotic break if you even hint she might be fat. “Perfection comes from the inside”. No it doesn’t. There’s no such thing. “Free of the obligation to adhere to some unattainable standard of perfection”. Again, there’s no such thing. That’s why we have Photoshop and models have a Spartan army of stylists to make them look they way they do. If you saw Gisele Bundchen without makeup, you’d probably shoot her with a crossbow. Ugly girls don’t need to be told their pretty. And ugly dudes don’t need to be told that if they have a funny personality they can get Katherine Heigl pregnant in a rom-com. But yeah, Amy Schumer is Barbie or whatever. It’s almost like liberals never want to win another election.


Man, just behold all this inner beauty.


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