Welcome to “Ask a Hottie,” Break’s weekly column in which I read through a bunch of valid, thorough questions and choose to answer the single one where the asker sounds like a real whiny turd. Or the one where the asker is the person cheating in the relationship. Or really any question where the person asking it is a complete douche. Honestly, this column should be titled “Answer an Asshole” considering whether or not I’m “hot” is constantly brought into question:
Circa 2014, when my hair wasn’t a bunch of dumb colors.
So without further ado, let’s get moving, shall we?
Q: I had been dating my boyfriend, Derek, for five years (from ages 20 to 25) and up until recently we had lived together for two and a half. When we first moved in together, I told him I wanted a proposal within the next year or else I would leave. He said this was completely doable and said he figured it would even happen before then!
So a year goes by and there’s no proposal. Derek says he needs more time to save up for a ring, so I tell him he has six months. I say ok and warn that I’ll leave if he doesn’t. Again, no ring. This time he says he can’t find a ring that’s “perfect,” so I pick one out that I like and he says to give him six months to save for it.
Another six months go by and NO RING. By now it’s been two years that I’ve been waiting to get married, so I tell him he has another six months and that it’s his last chance because I love him. Again, nothing – and this time he says it’s because he’s not sure if I’m “The One.” Ok, then why the fuck didn’t you say that two years ago Derek??
I finally had my fill of his lying. Last Friday I packed up all my stuff, took my name off our joint bills and moved out (my name is not on our lease.)
Derek does not have money problems and makes more than I do, so his excuse about saving for a ring was bullshit. It’s not like I even needed an expensive ring! Just a regular diamond ring that costs between $2,000 – 3,000. At one point he even said he’d go down to a pawn shop to get a ring RIGHT THEN and propose RIGHT THEN, but I felt like that would be cheap and he was only offering it to get me to stop talking. He told me we were soulmates, but refused to get the ring.
Did I do the right thing, yes or no?
A: Yes, no, and you sound incredibly pretentious. I’m aware that wasn’t one of the answer choices, but I’m making my own “fill in the blank” for the sake of setting you straight.
First of all, you’re only 25. This isn’t 1932; you don’t have an “MY OVARIES ARE DEAD BECAUSE I’M 30” expiration date stamped across your forehead. You can get married when you’re 40 these days and no one would even bat an eye, especially considering plenty of women are putting off love in order to further their careers before settling down.
(Side note: does anyone else think Jamie Lee Curtis is hot, even in 2017?)
(Side note continued: Like yeah she’s 58, but she’s not trying to hide behind a slew of botox treatments and plastic surgery. Maybe it’s because she’s starting to look like Anderson Cooper with tits, but I’d let her tongue a Hershey’s Kiss out of my butthole any day.)
But from reading your question, it sounds like you were more pressed on getting a fat rock to carry around on your hand than you were about marrying the man of your dreams. Instead of asking Derek why he wasn’t ready to propose, you seemed to be more focused on the when. Granted, he did give you some excuses like money and not being able to find the “right” ring, but when those turned out to be bullshit you didn’t ask why he lied, you just gave him yet another ultimatum that you weren’t going to stick to.
And while Derek might be an ass for leading you on, you’re also an ass for forcing a timeline on him. What were you looking for more: a husband, or to fulfill some stupid childhood fantasy where you wear a big frilly white dress and get to be the center of attention for a day? Because if you were looking for a husband, you would’ve stuck to your ultimatum the first time and went out and found someone who had the same life goals as you. But instead you stayed with Derek, because he was:
- Most likely to get a proposal out of
- “Wah wah wah change is hard”
And I get all of that, really – breaking up with someone when you’ve been dating for a long time is difficult. You have to learn to be alone, function by yourself and all of a sudden you’ve lost your go-to person to go out to dinner with. But I can also see how Derek didn’t take you seriously when you didn’t stick to your first, second or third ultimatums.
Besides, why would you want to marry someone you had to FORCE into proposing to you? All that’s doing is pushing the fast-forward button on a divorce DVD player. You shouldn’t have to threaten breaking up in order to get engaged to someone, and the thing is you even had your chance! You said that Derek offered to run down to the pawn shop and buy you a ring right then and there, but instead of finally taking up a concrete offer to get married you turned him down…because it would be too cheap.
Assuming that Derek wouldn’t have immediately backed out upon you accepting his offer, what the actual fuck. I wasn’t 100% sure you were just in this for the ring when I started reading your question, but the ending really solidified it – if this guy really is your soulmate, your partner in life and the best love you’ve ever found, then you wouldn’t have given a shit if he’d proposed with a Tootsie Roll Pop. For the record: most men do not spend $3,000 on a diamond ring. Shit, most men don’t even spend $2,000.
A ring should not cost three years’ worth of your salary, nor does its cost indicate how much your boyfriend loves you; it is simply a symbol of your affection and commitment towards each other. Without it you are both still married, though in your case it sounds like you’d rather be dead in a grave than walk around with anything worth less than the GDP of a small third world nation sitting on your finger.
But ragging on you for being materialistic aside, yes — yes you made the right choice. Your life goals (marriage) did not overlap with Derek’s (not marriage), which means that the two of you were incompatible. Or maybe Derek does want to get married eventually, just not to you. Either way, it’s good for both of you that you left, because now you can find someone to tie you down and he can find someone who won’t bitch at him daily about how he hasn’t proposed.
But before you go and hop into a new relationship, make sure to lower your standards for how much this ring should cost UNLESS he’s a millionaire – if that’s the case, fleece him for all he’s worth. Otherwise you’re just setting yourself up for disappointment, because no sane guy is going to starve himself for months just so your conceited ass can carry around a fat diamond on her finger. The sooner you come to that realization the sooner you’ll get married…maybe.