Ask A Hottie: I Found Nudes Of My Girlfriend Online

Welcome to “Ask a Hottie,” Break’s sorta-semi-mostly-regular column that hasn’t appeared on the site for a while because I’ve been on vacation. It was lovely, thanks for asking – I went to Tomorrowland and dressed up like Ash Ketchum. Then I went to Amsterdam and paid 30 euros to watch a lady fuck herself with a giant black dildo. I did some other stuff too, but none of it was nearly as interesting as those last two facts.

Ash Ketchum may strive to be the very best that ever was, but our question this week involves a guy who sounds like he’s the worst. Can’t catch or win them all, huh?

Got a question? Send them to!

Q: I’ve been dating “Kaitlyn” for a year now. We are both going to our sophomore year of college, and everything was fine between us before last week.

Last week a friend of mine emailed me a link to a website that has pictures of nude girls at our school. Our college isn’t very big, and while I was scrolling through the posts I saw a post offering to trade nudes-for-nudes of someone with the same initials as my girlfriend.

I clicked on it, and the person they were describing sounded an awful lot like my girlfriend, especially with the initials included. They wanted to trade the naked pictures of my girlfriend for someone else’s naked pictures. I made a fake account and wrote back to see if I could trick him into send them to see if it was real or not, but the guy never responded.

I am pissed off that someone can go online and find naked pictures of my girlfriend whenever they want. I suspect she either sent the nudes sometime while she was in high school before we met, or that her ex leaked them. Either way, I don’t think I can handle dating someone when I know other people are jerking off to her.

What do I do?

A: You can pull your head out of your ass, for starters.

There’s almost too much hypocrisy here for me to handle, but let’s start with taking a minute to think about someone other than yourself for a change, mainly: your girlfriend. If Kaitlyn knew that some random guy was trying to distribute her nudes online, how do you think she would feel? Way fucking worse than YOU feel, let me tell you. To your credit though, Kaitlyn should’ve known better — no nudes are safe. Fucking Rose let Jack draw her nudes, locked them in a safe on the Titanic, the boat fucking sank, and yet Captain Howdy-Doody and friends still managed to leak them ON THE FUCKING CABLE NEWS 85 years later.

No matter what you do, no nudes are truly ever “safe.”

With that being said, what the fuck is wrong with you? Someone has naked photos of your girlfriend and your first thought is “Oh woe is me, now someone ELSE knows what she looks like naked!” You know who else knows what she looks like in her birthday suit? Her parents, her exes, the hackers spying on her through her webcam at night – being naked isn’t a big deal. Invading someone’s privacy is, and rather than be pissed about that you’re pissed that you feel like you have to share the knowledge of what dat booty looks like with other people. How much more selfish can you get?

Oh, and this isn’t even addressing the part where you skimmed through that website prior to knowing your girlfriend was on there. It’s bad when someone has naked photos of your girl, but okay for you to look at other people’s naked girlfriends? This is literally my face right now:

Shortly followed by this:

And ending with this:

For the record, fuck Doritos – they’re the laziest potato chip on the market. Rather than making their own chip they took the already-existing corn chip and sprinkled some ranch-flavored crack powder on them, then pretended like they’d invented another wheel. Doritos are for people who order their steaks well-done, or for people who complain about how the new Spiderman isn’t as good as Andrew Garfield Spiderman when TOBY MCGUIRE IS AND WAS THE ONE TRUE PETER PARKER GODDAMMIT (not including Spiderman 3…I think we can all agree to pretend that never happened.)

But I’ve digressed away from calling you an asshole in as many words as possible (sadly, I’m not allowed to simply write “Hey quit being a fuck sucker” as my response), so I’ll leave you with this:

Did your girlfriend do anything wrong aside from be naïve and stupid? No.

Did she cheat on you? No.

Are you a little pissant for getting mad at her rather than feeling empathy? Yes.

Have you ever masturbated to a naked woman? Yes.

Was that naked woman your girlfriend? Not necessarily.

So then how can you say “I don’t think I can handle dating someone when I know other people are jerking off to her,” knowing that you’ve basically done the exact same thing to some other unknowing guy? YOU CAN’T.

Quit acting like a little shit. If you can’t handle the situation, then go ahead and break up with her – she can obviously do better than you. I don’t know either of you personally, but a bowl of backed-up sewage would be a better boyfriend than you…stench included.

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