Ask A Hottie: My Boyfriend Doesn’t Take Me Seriously Because I’m 18

Welcome to “Ask a Hottie,” Break’s weekly column in which I dish out genuinely helpful advice, quickly followed by me negating everything I said and advocating for a random threesome. Will that threesome ever help anyone? Doubtful.

Why yes I DID crop everyone out because I’m the ugliest one here, thank you for asking!

But one can dream, can’t they?

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Q: To start off, my boyfriend is 27 and I am 18. Our difference in age has never been a problem for me because I am very mature, but has been something “Ralph” frequently brings up.

Ralph and I have been dating for six months. He has spent the past few years saving up money and is now planning to move to another state for work about two hours away from where I’m going to college in the fall. During this conversation I started feeling bad, because it sounded like he wasn’t planning on having me visit him. I asked him, “What about me?” and he said that I could come visit whenever I wanted, but when I asked if he saw me moving in with him he seemed confused.

His nutshell response was “I’m 27 and you’re 18, I don’t see our relationship going any further than where it is right now because you’re so young. We will probably break up shortly after I move.”

That pissed me off, because we have a very good relationship that doesn’t deserve to be thrown away. I told him how he is my everything; how he is the only person out there who is right for me and that I don’t want anyone else besides him. He seemed to ignore everything I said and replied that people change a lot in their early 20s. So what? People can change and still stay in love.

How do I get Ralph to see he’s making a mistake?

A: As someone who is 24 and remembers being 18 like it was yesterday, take it from me: ditch Ralph.

Girl, you just finished high school and you’re about to start college. The fuck you doing wasting your time with some 27-year-old creep who dates teenagers? And don’t try to tell me that he “gets you” and that you’ll “never find anyone else like him” – if you want another Ralph, check out any given episode of Law & Order: SVU. At least 80% of their episodes center around pedophiles and statutory rapists, so if you’re looking for a menu at the Pervert Buffet that’s my best recommendation.

But I’m being harsh – Ralph might not be a pervert. Maybe he’s just an emotionally stunted 27-year-old? Maybe he’s immature? Maybe he’s fucking hideous and you’re the only female within a 30-mile radius willing to date him? Regardless of his reasons and everything you’ve written, you have to admit: an 18-year-old dating a 27-year-old is fucking weird. You’re about to be living on your own for the first time and he’s nearing the age where people normally start settling down. He has a career whereas you have an 8:00 a.m. class. I know you think he was just blowing you off when he said that people change a lot in their early 20s, but if you won’t take it from him then take it from me: the person you are now will not be the same person you are at 24. At 18 I was shy, awkward and had the social skills of a donut. I didn’t drink, smoke or do anything that would be considered even remotely “fun” by the average person aside from play video games. At 24 I am a self-deprecating borderline alcoholic who curbs her drinking with an over-the-line marijuana problem. Clearly, 24-year-old me is WAY more fun than 18-year-old me.

My point is, I never saw myself being who I am today when I was 18, and you probably couldn’t even come close to hazarding an accurate guess for yourself if you tried. Ralph knows this. Despite sounding like he was talking down to you, Ralph is seemingly mature enough to realize that the two of you are not going to overlap in terms of lifestyle and interests over the next 2-6 years. You took him saying that as an insult, when in fact he was just trying to prepare you for disappointment when you two inevitably break up.

“But I am super mature already!” you say. “I’m not going to change! I am a STRONG, DEPENDENT WOMAN who wants to KEEP HER MAN!”

Okay, well for the record…

“Our difference in age has never been a problem for me because I am very mature…

“Ralph and I have been dating for six months…. I told him how he is my everything; how he is the only person out there who is right for me and that I don’t want anyone else besides him… People can change and still stay in love.”

No one who has ever had to un-ironically utter the phrase “I’m straight!” was ever actually straight, just like how there’s a 0% chance any toddler who indignantly screeches “No I did NOT shit my pants!!” (yes indeed this is a very, very vulgar toddler) did in fact, not shit their pants. Same goes for you saying “I’m mature!” If you ever find yourself having to announce that you are something, chances are you are not that thing, otherwise people would be able to see that for themselves and you wouldn’t have to broadcast it a-la Ron Burgundy.

Ignoring that, you know how I know you’re not as mature as you think you are? Because you’ve been dating this dude for six months and consider him your “everything.” I dated my ex for three years and chicken nuggets were still my “everything” over him any day. You may be in love with him, but Ralph seems pretty checked out on that idea – if he gave as much of a shit about you as you give about him, don’t you think he would’ve reciprocated all the mushy crap you threw his way instead of being like “Eh, NAH”?

I know you’re not going to listen to any of this, but I’ve been where you’ve been and I can wholeheartedly say that continuing to pursue Ralph is going to be a waste of your time, a waste of your emotions and a waste of your youth. Go ahead and date him for as long as it goes, but don’t be surprised when your relationship dies – with any luck, it’ll be you breaking it off with him because you realized college is a lot more fun when you’re not driving out to visit your boner boyfriend in bumblefuckville every weekend.

PS. If you genuinely don’t take any of this to heart, find a hot college friend looking to experiment sexually and arrange a threesome with Ralph. It won’t help you in any foreseeable way, but it’ll make the commenters here real happy.

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