Ask A Hottie: My Crush Told Me We Can’t Be Friends And I Blame Her Boyfriend

Welcome to “Ask a Hottie,” Break’s weekly column in which I become increasingly sad for the state of romantic relationship in today’s world. Not because we live in a society where hookup culture has become the practiced norm, but because most of these people who send me questions are a few cents short of a dollar. That’s putting it nicely, as this week’s question involves some light stalking, misplaced anger and the friendzone. For those of you playing Ask a Hottie Bingo at home, congrats – there’s three chips for you and we haven’t even gotten to the question yet.

Obligatory photo of myself done and over with, here we go!

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Q: I’ve been friends with “Annie” for about five years. We go out all the time, talk every day and have lots of common interests that we share even though we live on the opposite sides of our city. When we first became friends, I had a crush on her but realized that she had quickly put me into the friendzone. I managed to hide my feelings and push them away since she told me she did not return them, and that if I continued to behave this way she would no longer be friends with me.

Annie started dating “Jake” two months ago. Jake is not good for Annie. He is rude, arrogant and thinks he’s too cool for working as an investment banker, though he acts like the perfect gentlemen around everyone. Annie is over the moon for him but I know they are not a good fit. I saw them at her house the other day and it looked like they were arguing, and Annie has been weird around me lately.

I asked Annie what has been wrong, and she told me that she’s noticed I have feelings for her and that we should maybe take time apart from our friendship. Admittedly, I did not react well to this and asked her if Jake was talking shit about me behind my back and denied having any feelings. She said it had nothing to do with Jake and that she came to this decision on her own.

This is heartbreaking. How do I get Annie to realize she’s being manipulated by Jake and save our friendship?

A: Repeat after me:

  • No one is obligated to be your friend
  • No one is obligated to be your friend
  • No one is obligated to be your friend

You hear that? It’s the sound of rational, sound advice entering your eardrums. Kind of tinny and the sound quality is borderline shit, but you’ll do well to remember it the next time you go and act like a Mr. Nice Guy.

What’s a Mr. Nice Guy, you ask? A Mr. Nice Guy is a dude who is your friend on paper and to your face, but the moment the girl either gets wifed up or says she’s not interested in him, he turns into a dick and gets so passive aggressive it’s like he’s reverted into a 13-year-old girl.

That, my friend, is you. You had feelings for Annie and knew she didn’t reciprocate, so you buried them down deep in the hopes that one day she’d come around. Spoiler alert: she didn’t. And at the rate you’re going she probably never will, but you know what? I think you already know that.

Why? Because it feels like you’re leaving out information in your question to make yourself look better, but since I’ve been the Annie in your story more times than I can count I can tell when there’s bullshit being thrown around. Like when you said “Jake is not good for Annie. He is rude, arrogant and thinks he’s too cool for working as an investment banker, though he acts like the perfect gentlemen around everyone” – well, which is it? Is he a gentleman or is he a douche? From what it sounds like, you’re the only one who thinks he sucks, and you’re drawing that conclusion from the fact that he works in finance and is a “perfect gentleman” to everyone around him. You think this is some elaborate ruse on his part to fool everyone and then pop out at the end like “MORONS, I actually AM a giant douchebag!! DON’T YOU ALL FEEL STUPID NOW???” Please – you’re making up faults in this guy because he’s with the girl you wish you had.

And y’know, there’s always the chance that Jake acted shitty around you while Annie wasn’t present to see it, but had that happened you probably would’ve mentioned it. Instead, you told us that you and Annie live on opposite ends of your city but that you saw her and Jake arguing at her house the other day – um, why are you driving by her house? She doesn’t live near you. Why are you lingering on her property long enough to see her fighting with her boyfriend? Wait, I KNOW – it’s because you’re a Mr. Nice Guy who is slowly unraveling into the same douche that you think Jake is pretending to not be. Oh how the turn…tables.

Oh, and let me point out that you don’t know that Jake is the one who told Annie to not be your friend anymore. For all we know he is! But you don’t. We don’t. And so to assume that Jake is the reason behind Annie dumping you rather than that she came to that conclusion on her own is a little offensive – she threatened to burn your friendship once in the past, why can’t she follow through in the present? You’ve demonized this guy into being the boogeyman between the two of you when the reality is that YOU’RE the boogeyman, not him.

If you’ve made it this far, congrats – but I already told you the solution to your problem, which was to come to the sobering realization that no one is obligated to be your friend. If that’s not good enough, my second piece of advice is to apologize to Annie for being a Mr. Nice Guy and tell her that if she ever needs someone to talk to, you’ll be there. Other than that, fuck off and download a Tinder or something. Annie is not going to be the “one who got away” because you never actually had her in the first place, so instead of pining away why don’t you take matters into your own hands and find someone who actually likes you. Just try not to drive by her house at random hours during the day – maybe it’s just me, but I don’t think any girl wants a guy who includes “Casual Stalking” on his resume. 

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