Ask A Hottie: My Girlfriend Caught Me In Bed With My Ex, What Do?

Welcome to “Ask a Hottie,” Break’s weekly column in which I ask for people to send me questions about their daily relationship woes, and instead I get emails like this:

My hair was actually blue at one point. It looked like this:

Sadly, the dude who cut it didn’t do the best job and I kind of look like a mop. Can’t win them all (or any, in my case), can we? And to answer his question – no, I’m not doing blue anymore. Purple or pink or bust.

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Q: I have always remained good friends with my exes. One ex, “Ashley,” lives in the same city as me and my current girlfriend, “Jenna.” I am always honest about my contact with Ashley when talking to Jenna, and Jenna has always been very understanding and willing to accept our friendship. Ashley and I dated for five years, but ended on good terms and we see each other frequently throughout the week. Part of me has a feeling it makes Jenna uncomfortable, but she has never said anything explicitly to me.

A few nights ago, Ashley called me crying that her dad had been in a serious car accident and was not expected to live through the night. She asked if she could come over, and I said yes because she needed a shoulder to cry on. My girlfriend was not home at this point in time, as she often works late night.

Ashley comes over and I spend a few hours listening to her cry. A little past midnight I tell her I have to be up for work in the morning and that I need to go to bed. Ashley asks if she can stay the night so she won’t have to be alone at her apartment, and I tell her she’s more than welcome to sleep on the couch. I give her a bunch of spare sheets and pillows and go to my room.

At some point in the night, Ashley got up and crawled into my bed. I was barely awake when she asked if she could join me, and all I wanted was to fall back asleep so I told her yes. We were both on opposite ends of the bed and not touching.

A little while later my girlfriend finally came home and found the two of us in bed. She started screaming about how she couldn’t believe I was cheating on her, that she thought it was weird that the two of us were so close and that she was so stupid for thinking our friendship was purely innocent. To make matters worse, Ashley was spooning me when Jenna walked in. Jenna left shortly after and has not returned home, nor has she responded to any of my texts or calls.

How do I convince my girlfriend this was all a complete misunderstanding?

A: Most people on the Internet take advantage of the whole “Everything is anonymous as long as I’m not stupid enough to put my name on it” deal – so why are you lying?

Did you write this as a half-assed attempt at an alibi or something? Because unless Jenna is an idiot, she’s going to take one look at this and be like “Ummm you wrote that AFTER I caught the two of you in bed, the fuck do you think this proves?” In which case, she’d be correct – it proves nothing. There’s a chance you aren’t lying, of course, but considering that you willingly admit:

  • You see Ashley all the time
  • Seeing Ashley all the time makes Jenna uncomfortable
  • You are aware it makes Jenna uncomfortable, but pretend you don’t notice and keep doing it anyway
  • Knowing all of that, you STILL let her crawl into your bed…
  • …and spoon you throughout the night.

Come on dude, if this were a court of law they’d have thrown you behind bars two bullet points ago; OJ Simpson got away with murder and he only had three bullet points in total. You sir, are fucking screwed.

You and your awful haircut, realizing the gravity of your situation.

But let’s pretend you ARE telling the truth and that this is just one big giant misunderstanding:

You still fucked up.

Your friendship with Ashley obviously makes Jenna uncomfortable, but Jenna is nice enough to check her own insecurities at the door so she doesn’t hold you back from staying friends with Ashley. Jenna is a helluva lot more chill than most girls, a fact that you’ve clearly overlooked and underappreciated. If you want to salvage whatever you have left with Jenna, you need to express that you do appreciate her leniency and do notice how flexible she is with your exes, then say that you’re willing to cut all contact with Ashley if it means getting her back.

As for Ashley spooning you in bed, well…there’s really no way to spin that, so I would just be completely honest. You’re pretty boned already, so what do you have to lose? Go for broke and maybe you’ll hit the jackpot. If I were you, I would say that you didn’t think twice of Ashley climbing into bed with you because, well, it’s not like you guys have never slept in the same bed – so while on the outside looking in it’s pretty bad, from your perspective it was just another Tuesday. She had her clothes on too, which works in your favor. Does that make it ok? Not at all! This is not an exercise in convincing Jenna that everything is hunky-dory and that nothing happened; this is an exercise in explaining your (lack of a) train of thought, explaining how you were inconsiderate to only think of how YOU would look at the situation as opposed to your girlfriend, and explaining how you’re willing to do anything to move past this and towards the future.

Just don’t look so goddamn happy when you apologize, unless you’re tryna get smacked.

The real stumper here is that Ashley was spooning you when Jenna walked in. Even with clothes on, that looks bad. There’s really no way to explain that other than “I was asleep and when I woke up WHOOP there she was,” which is definitely not the route you’re gonna want to go. If Ashley really is such a great friend to you, have her meet Jenna with you and explain what happened. Jenna may or may not believe her, but at this point it’s really your only option – or, if you ask the commenters on this website, you have a second option: try to finagle all of this into a threesome.

Frankly, that’s probably a more realistic option than winning Jenna back at this point; might as well say “Fuck it” and go for gold considering you’re sitting in dead last right now.

?Got a question for Rebecca? Email it to!

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