Ask A Hottie: My Girlfriend Dumped Me Because I’m Friends With My Ex

Welcome to “Ask a Hottie,” Break’s weekly column that people read only to either shit on my appearance…

…or so they have someone to point and laugh at for having a love life that’s only somewhat marginally worse than their own. Does it matter that the chick you porked last night was a whale? No! All that matters is that this guy got dumped, and you’re feeling prrrretty good in comparison to him right about now.

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Q: I dated this girl, “Jenna,” for five months. In those five months I fell in love with her, but apparently I’ve been fucking shit up and didn’t know.

I am also friends with my ex. She’s the only ex I’m friends with; probably because we broke up on good terms and she was the person I’ve loved the most in my life. Jenna knows this. We don’t hang out often, maybe once every two months or so, and we don’t talk a lot. We are just casually friends/on good terms. Jenna has met my ex and never spoke up about having a problem that we are friends.  

Two days ago Jenna and I got breakfast at a café down the street. She told me that she thought she might be falling in love with me, but that she did not like that I was still friends with my ex. She said that she was afraid I would fall back in love with her and leave, thereby wasting months of Jenna’s life on a pointless relationship. I told her this wasn’t going to happen, but she was stubborn and broke up with me.

This is not fair. Nothing has ever happened between my ex and I after we broke up, and we barely even see each other! How do I get Jenna back?

A: Quit being friends with your ex, duh.

Oh, is that not the answer you wanted? Jenna told you point-blank why she was dumping you, so you know how to get her back. You just want to have your cake and eat it too (ie. be friends with your ex and still date Jenna), but people in hell want ice water and they’re still down there roasting like a tray of nuts in an oven. In other words, we don’t always get what we want, do we?

Life isn’t fair. Sure, you and your ex may genuinely not have any feelings left for each other, but how is Jenna supposed to know that you aren’t lying when you say that? I had an ex repeatedly tell me that he didn’t still have a “thing” for HIS ex, yet there I was, catching him with deleted texts and Facebook messages every other month (stupid idiot was not good at covering his tracks, kind of depressing I dated such a moron, really.) People lie, and you’ve only been dating Jenna for five months – had you been married 30 years and you said you don’t give a fuck about your ex, that’s one thing. Five months is a relationship in its infancy, meaning that she hasn’t built up enough trust towards you that she’d believe you when you say your ex doesn’t mean anything.

That being said, it’s not like you haven’t given her any reasons to be uncomfortable – you said it yourself, your ex was “the person I’ve loved the most in my life.”

Come on dude, how the fuck is she supposed to feel about that? You think Jenna is gonna sit there and dissect your choice of words and be like “Oh, he’s loved her the most now, but just WAIT and see how much he loves ME after we’ve popped out 12 kids and been married for a decade (Jenna has a very busy uterus)!” Who the fuck wants to have to talk themselves into circles into believing that their partner values them the most out of all of their past relationships? It’s exhausting. It’s depressing. And above all, it’s heartbreaking.

The best advice I can give you: there are plenty of fish in the sea. Boring and cliché, I know, but it applies – somewhere out there is a fish who will not care that you are friends with your ex, and who has such high self-esteem that she could hear the phrase “I love my ex-girlfriend like no other” and her automatic response would be “No other until me.” That fish exists, and will happily hand-feed you that cake you were trying so hard to eat with Jenna…you just have to go find her. Stop pining away for Jenna, be prepared to get dumped a lot more in the future for keeping your ex around (pro tip: stop broadcasting how much you used to love her to your new girlfriends), and maybe, just maybe…

Fingers crossed.

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