Ask A Hottie: My Girlfriend Has A Habit So Gross We Can’t Put It In The Title

Welcome to “Ask a Hottie,” Break’s weekly column in which we explore the darkest depths of the human mind, psyche and experience – just kidding, this week we’re talking about some girl who can’t handle her period like an adult.

Hope everyone brought a maxi pad.

Q: My girlfriend, “Ashley,” and I have been dating for four years, she is 24 and I am 25. Everything was and has been perfect except for this one thing that started bothering me when we moved in together one year ago.

Ashley is clean. She showers all the time and doesn’t leave anything used sitting around in the kitchen for extended periods of time. She, however, does not dispose of her tampons correctly. Ashley used to flush them, but after a while I guess one got stuck in the pipe, then everything started building up and clogging and the building manager was NOT happy. He couldn’t tell it was us, but it’s a small building (less than 30 people) and after ripping the tenants a new one in an email about women’s hygiene products, Ashley admitted she had been flushing them all week.

Ashley now throws them away instead of flushing them, but it’s worse for me than before because now when I use the bathroom I get to see a giant bloody mess sitting on top of the trashcan next to the toilet. I’ve asked her to stop before or at least be a little more mindful, but nothing’s changed and it’s disgusting.

What do I do?

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A: Move apartment buildings.

Just kidding! That would be a waste of time, money and effort considering the main issue here is a little cylinder of cotton and your girlfriend’s desire to have a controlled free-bleed all over your bathroom. Don’t know what free bleeding is?

Basically that, but in your pants and in public so that people are able to see it leaking through your pants.

While you may find that disgusting and I do find that disgusting, not everyone finds bodily fluids and functions as gross as they are. Do I think farts are funny? Sure. Do I think they’re funny enough that listening to my brother crack one off every 45 minutes followed by “Whoop, there goes my butt!” is funny? No. And yet there he is, ripping ass on the couch like a fat chick in the junior’s denim department. This isn’t to say that Ashley’s tampon disposal isn’t disgusting, just that she might not be aware of how genuinely repulsive you find it since, as a girl (or so I’m assuming, god forbid we assume anyone’s gender here or anything), this is a normal occurrence and about as everyday as tearing up in 10>

Make sure Ashley really knows how gross this is. In the past you were probably too nonchalant, because saying “Hey babe, can you be a little more discrete with the tampons in the trash?” does not convey the same message as “Ayyo bitch, that pussy shit is NASTY damnnnn!” Obviously, do not go that exact route unless you want to create additional problems.

Assuming you made your feelings clear the first time, you only have two options left:

1. Start feeding Ashley. Feed her so much that she gets so fat that she can’t see her vagina anymore unless she picks up her FUPA and shines a flashlight down there. Once completed, begin stuffing 2-3 cotton balls up her snatch every night after she falls asleep; alternatively, you could just shove a bunch of corks up there and call it a day. The cotton will sit in her vagina until it’s time to suck up her period when it hits, and she’ll have no idea she’s even on her period in the first place, meaning the cotton will stay up there until it’s good and ready to come out. When is it good and ready to come out? Well, leaving a bunch of rotting cotton balls sitting in your vagina for weeks on end is bound to kill you, so I’d say ~5 minutes after she falls on the floor unconscious (right around week 3). Take her body and bury it in the backyard when the neighbors aren’t looking. Continue to use your bathroom without any disgusting tampons laying around.

2. Buy a trashcan that has a lid, or put your current trashcan under the sink where you can’t immediately see it.

Personally, I’m a fan of #1 – but I can see how #2 would be appealing if you’re lazy.

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