Welcome to “Ask A Hottie,” Break’s weekly column where I get to go through an entire inbox of emails and pick out the worst ones for us to read together. What do I mean by “worst,” you ask? As in, 90% of my inbox are sad little boys asking how to get out of the friendzone (hint: if you have to ask, you’re already fucked), 8% are dudes tryna fuck based off the photos I throw in here. Some put effort into their emails, others go the minimalist route:
“Normally no, but when you put it that way…”
The other 2%? Usable questions, but 0% of them are even close to being grammatically correct; I am basically half Google translate, half self-help advice columnist.
That being said, here’s an obligatory photo from when my hair used to be purple and green.
Are we done with all the filler text? Yes? Okay, let’s begin!
Do you have a question for our blue haired Smurfette? Email it to AskABreakHottie@gmail.com!
Q: I am a college sophomore. I have been with my girlfriend on-and-off for about a year now, but three months ago we found out she was five months pregnant. She told her parents, and they were mad, but she found out that I haven’t told my parents about her predicament and now she’s pissed at me.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with keeping this a secret from my family until the baby is born. When I saw her angry her family was, it made me think that telling my parents at the last minute would make it easier on me; they will be so overwhelmed with what’s going on and with the baby being born that they won’t have time to be angry with me. This doesn’t mean that I don’t care about the baby or my girlfriend, just that I am trying to make it through the next four months without having my life be harder than it needs to be, because I know they will lecture me nonstop.
My girlfriend said this was a stupid plan and that it will just make things worse down the road. Who is right here?
A: There are times where I think that the questions people send me must be fake, because if they’re real it means that humanity is destined to wipe itself out through a series of increasingly stupid mistakes made by increasingly stupid people. You can always catch the fake questions because they go a little too far or seem a little too unbelievable — sadly, this is not one of those questions.
So your girlfriend is pregnant. Point blank, that fucking sucks. You’re also a sophomore in college, which means your parents are wasting thousands of dollars a year on tuition to try and input some brains into the empty skull you’re walking around with; that also fucking sucks, though moreso for your parents than you, obviously. I’m picturing your dad slaving away in a coal mine while your mom cooks the cheapest gruel available for dinner so that you can run around campus trying to stick your dick into anything with a pulse.
It’s okay kid, not everyone was meant for college. Some people were born to be baristas at Starbucks, others NASA rocket scientists — in your case, well…someone’s gotta collect my garbage every Tuesday morning, right?
But you know what sucks more than all of that combined? Your poor girlfriend (who isn’t even really your girlfriend) is stuck having a baby with a guy who won’t even acknowledge that he’s having a baby. Yeah yeah yeah, you acknowledged it to HER, which is a “no shit” sort of moment because no fuckin’ shit dude, but hiding it from your family? Shame on you.
First of all, your “plan,” if you can even call it that, makes zero sense. Frankly, I think you came up with that on the spot and are only using it to justify the fact that you’re a pussy who’s afraid of what his parents will say; the only plans you should be coming up with are how you’re going to raise this baby while still in school, or how to find a family who’s willing to adopt a child that will certainly be the mental equivalent of Sloth from The Goonies, considering his father is such a winner.
To answer your question in short: your girlfriend is right. Nut the fuck up, tell your parents what’s happening and stop referring to the baby as “her” predicament, because this is just as much a YOU problem as it is a HER problem, which means you should be saying it’s a WE or OUR problem. Because after those four months are up, Y’ALLS lives are going to be complete shit — may as well use the time between now and then to get used to everything being awful.
?Do you have a question for our blue haired Smurfette? Email it to AskABreakHottie@gmail.com!