Ask A Hottie Vol 2: My Girlfriend Is A Controlling Dick, What Do I Do?

Welcome to Break’s new-ish column “Ask A Hottie,” where they’ve given free reign to a girl who 1. Is not legally able to go within 500 feet of a playground, let alone give life advice, and 2. Isn’t even that hot, but will continue to provide ugly photos of herself so that she at least seems “quirky” and “fun.” But not Zooey Deschanel “quirky,” because at best she is an annoying gimmick. Think Aubrey Plaza with less charisma.

Do you have a question for our resident Aubrey Plaza 2.0? Send it to!

Now that I’ve given a brief disclaimer on how unqualified I am that is totally NOT a subtle way of denying any legal grounds for suing me in the event you take my advice and get arrested and/or die, let’s get started! Also, I am really hungover. That’s not pertinent to anything, I just want your pity and some bacon. Well, okay — lots of bacon.

If only blogging was as good of a hangover cure as vomiting and pizza 🙁 

Q: I have been with my girlfriend for a year and a half. Around month 5 I accidentally lied to her about something trivial (she asked a question about my past and I had forgotten some details), and when she found out she flipped her lid. She immediately lost her trust in me, and now accuses me of lying all the time, even about stupid things like whether or not I am at work. She checks my email, phone, Internet history, you name it she reads it.

I have tried EVERYTHING to fix this, and she is honestly an amazing woman when she’s not being controlling. How do I fix this?

Wait, back the fuck up — you’ve been dating this girl for a year and a half, and for a solid THIRD of this relationship she’s been a fucking nutcase?

Bro. I know you think this girl is “special” and “amazing” and helped you “become a person I actually don’t mind dealing with” (all excerpts from his original submission, which was edited for length above), but come on. Do you hate yourself? Are you trying to have a stroke before you turn 30? Do stress-induced stomach ulcers sound like fun? Because if you answered “Yes” to any of those questions, then by all means, carry on — but if an early death and prematurely graying hair doesn’t sound like a good ol’ time, you need to dump this girl. 

Yes, I’m aware you want to save this relationship. But there isn’t shit to save here. If you really have tried “everything” to fix her trust issues, then the only thing that’s really left to be done is for HER to try to fix HER  trust issues. What’s happening right now is that you two are like the people I’ve drawn below in this very intricate and detailed diagram:

As you can see, the two of you are separated by an ocean. You live on an island with a nice castle, and she lives on an island where her castle is crumbling down. She is screaming at you to throw her some bricks and shit leftover from your castle so that she can rebuild hers, except instead of making repairs she just screams and screams and gets a horrible, horrible sunburn (you are sunburned too, but you’re the hero of this story so yours looks FABULOUS while hers is just garbage.)

The castles in my illustration is the trust you two have for each other, and the ocean is the fact that this relationship is fucking awful and one of you should just drown yourselves. Just kidding! But really, you keep throwing her bricks so that she can fix her castle (i.e. you keep doing things like letting her go through your phone and what-have-you so that she’ll trust you), but instead of taking those bricks and making repairs (making note of the effort you’re putting in and trying to build her trust in you back up), she keeps screaming and screaming and letting all those bricks rot to shit in her yard (aka, being a controlling bitch.) In a nutshell, this is HER problem to fix, and not something you can do on your own unless she’s willing to meet you half way. 

Like you already alluded, there isn’t much left here to do except to break up with her — but if you’re truly stuck on this chick, there is one last ditch effort you could make. Tell her straight-up that you’ve done EVERYTHING to regain her trust in the past year after one minor unintentional, unimportant lie, and that you’re done giving her access to all your accounts and passwords. Tell her it’s not fair that you’ve been doing everything in your power to show her you’re not hiding anything and that she’s still accusing you of lying. Tell her from this point onwards, you are NOT indulging in any of this garbage, because at the end of the day you’ve done your part, and now it’s her turn to get over her insecurities. You’ll be there to help, but you are NOT going to be controlled like this any longer.

If she hears where you’re coming from and makes a significant effort into rebuilding her trust in you, then I can understand staying together and trying to make it work — but if you ask me? She’s gotten so used to playing the victim that I don’t think she’ll make the turnaround. But don’t worry friend — there are plenty of other fish in the sea, and in fact I even drew you two golden ones ripe for the catching in that diagram. Quit throwing supplies onto a sinking ship and build yourself a fishing pole instead.

Do you have a question for our resident Aubrey Plaza 2.0? Send it to!

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