Imagine yourself on Thanksgiving night; you’re bursting with turkey and pie. But all you want to do is curl up on the couch, watch Trains, Planes, and Automobiles and drift into calm, peaceful oblivion…but then you remember you came home for Thanksgiving and your mom is a nutcase who likes fighting other psychos for cheap microwaves the following morning. Suddenly, you’re yanked from your serene holiday and thrust into a shopping mall wasteland where marauders are eager to tear you limb from limb. If you want any hope of living through the darkest of holidays, you’re going to need these tips. Here are 10 post-apocalyptic movies to help you survive black friday. Planes will have to wait until later.
10. Turbo Kid
On Black Friday, it’s all about the hot toy. If you nab that, you’re king. Same goes in Turbo Kid. Once the titular Kid gets his hands on the Megaman Buster-like super weapon, he’s a force to be reckoned with. Blowing off heads and limbs like they were tissue paper, he proves that if you’ve got a good weapon at your side, you can survive anything.
In the chaos of hundreds of shoppers vying for the same VHS/DVD combo, discipline is essential in making it out intact. Just like the rules in Zombieland, stick to your training and you might stay alive. Cardio. Beware of Bathrooms. Limber Up. Don’t Be A Hero, all useful tools in both the zombie apocalypse, and your local JCPenney.
There’s a good chance by the time you hit the food court to refuel, most of the mall will be a structurally compromised garbage mountain. Luckily, no one is better at navigating through towers of trash like Wall-E. Learn from this plucky little robot and soon you’ll be weaving through all the gelatinous, motor scooter bound shoppers on your way to the exit.
7. The Road
It’s best to learn this now, much like The Road, Black Friday will be a depressing journey into your darkest instincts. Trust no one. Fear everything. And even if you manage to snag that gift you were wanting, there’s a good chance you’ll lose a relative along the way to cannibals. Yeah, sorry to break it to you, but there’s no happy endings to be found here. Just pain, and remote controlled BB-8s.
It’s worth noting that no matter how you do Black Friday, it will be an expensive spectacle, and a Waterworld level disaster. Despite all the amazing deals, you’ll still spend way too much money and not get enough in return. By the end of the day, don’t be surprised if you’re so dehydrated that the thought of drinking your own urine starts to sound like your best option.
5. Escape From New York
The problem with actually getting that rare gift everyone wants is that everyone wants it. It may be in your cart, but until you get to the cashier it’s still fair game. Take a few pointers from Snake Plissken and be ready for a fight. Everyone in that store will be gunning for you so keep moving and avoid anyone calling themselves “The Duke”.
4. 28 Days Later
Remember, the other customers can turn so quickly. One moment, you’ll be chatting it up in line, waiting for the doors to open. But once inside, the RAGE overtakes them and no amount of bonding will prevent them from ripping that brand new iPad out of your fleshy hands. Learn from 28 Days Later and keep ahead of them.
3. Planet of the Apes
You’re herded into lines. Treated like dumb cattle. Every ounce of your humanity is stripped away. And you’re doing this voluntarily! All for a discount leaf blower! Learn from old Chuck Heston and grab the nearest horse you can find and hightail it out of town. There’s a good chance you’ll be screaming “Damn you all to hell!” once you see the crumbling society beyond the Spencer’s Gifts.
2. Mad Max: Fury Road
If you’re one of the lucky ones to actually escape the mall, you’ll still have to contend with an even more harrowing obstacle: the parking lot. Hundreds of cars, all wanting to leave before you in a cacophony of anarchy and chaos. War Boys in their Dodge Neons with zero qualms of denting the hell out of your car, even if it means getting to Applebee’s faster. I live. I die. I order a bloomin’ onion.
1. Dawn of the Dead
Because of course it had to be number one. George Romero’s classic is a blueprint of surviving consumerism during the apocalypse. Brain eating zombies are stumbling out of every Hot Topic and Forever 21, but as long as you have your chopper fueled and ready, you can fly into the sunset with your new Hello Kitty drone. You lived to fight another Black Friday. For now.
Find me on Twitter @TheZakW