Buzzfeed is a magical place. A place where people talk in gifs and every small update on Selena Gomez is newsworthy. Well today they produced an article where they asked Buzzfeed readers what their alternative masturbation techniques were, men mainly, and since Break is essentially just a group of guys, let’s compare notes because some of these masturbation techniques just seem to be off the wall retarded.
Anyone got a bunch of petroleum jelly lying around for this one? Of course the alternative to this technique is JUST USING YOUR HAND. There’s something twisted about having to get out a ziploc to jerk off. Unless you’re in a scene from Law & Order where you have to handle your balls with a bic pen for evidence.
Yes because men love using condoms when there’s zero fear of literally getting no one pregnant. Let alone getting those weird STD’s from your fucking hand. You can tell this one was written by a woman because no man would ever suggest you masturbate with a condom. Let alone recommend how you should masturbate at all ever.
Let me get this straight. You are saying that instead of jerking off with our hand, we should lay face down, hump the sheets until we jizz all over ourselves? That sounds fucking awful. You know what also feels really good? Knowing you won’t have to clean up the jizz all over your bed because you just dumped your seed into a tissue and flushed it down the damn toilet.
And then what? Just sit there? If I’m rubbin’ my dong, I don’t want to have to worry about getting oil all over the fucking place. Also when you’re done, I assume you’ll have to take a shower to get that oil off, right? Who has time for that shit. And why is that snail bothering that man standing on his head?? AND WHY IS THAT MAN STANDING ON HIS HEAD?!
This one might be the most ridiculous because it assumes most men have body pillows. Men don’t own body pillows, Buzzfeed. Especially body pillows we’re attracted to enough to have sex with. I also like that they feel like they have to tell you to wash it, as if it was your brilliant idea to fuck a pillow in the first place. How about YOU wash it, Buzzfeed! You’re the one making us try this crap! If we’re to the point where we’d rather fuck a pillow instead of finding someone to have sex with, Buzzfeed, we’re in real bad shape.