After an exhausting Thanksgiving where I decided to eat like shit for a week instead of just one day, this morning I woke up and ate a carrot. Not baby carrots or carrots and dip — just a carrot. A straight-up plain carrot. And while I was hoping it would alleviate the inevitable storm brewing in my colon after eating fried chicken five times in three days, here I am, poop-less and afraid of what’s to come in the next 12 hours.
Lauren Calladine, a 22-year-old from the UK, does not have this problem. You see, Lauren has enough self-control that she’s able to refrain from stuffing her gullet full of burgers, fries, bacon macaroni and cheese and chicken tenders. “Most people have self-control, Rebecca” I can hear my judgmental Aunt Gertrude spitting at me through a mouth of mashed potatoes across the table, “A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips.” And yet my Aunt Gertrude looks as if she’s a close relative of Jabba the Hutt, whereas Lauren, this year’s winner of the Miss Bikini and Miss Bikini Short at the Pure Elite World Championships, is a complete smoke:
“To win two world championship titles after only starting training in June is just amazing,” Lauren said to Daily Mail. “It still hasn’t sunk in to be honest. When I went up to get the trophies I was a bit dazed.”
“It’s crazy, but I think it has just motivated me to push harder next year. It has been a very busy and tiring few months, going to the gym six days a week, twice a day, while still doing all my college work, but it has been worth it…this was all while I continued working part-time as a supervisor in retail and studying at college to become a midwife.”
That’s right — Lauren hit the gym for 18 hours a week while training for the Pure Elite Championships. Imagine adding a part-time job to whatever you’re doing currently, but make that PT position something that involves hard, physical labor. Pretend you mine coal for 20 hours a week in addition to being an accountant. You are now Lauren, except when she finally goes home at the end of the day she’s not allowed to order delivery because she’s too lazy to cook. Nope, Lauren’s stuck eating five carb, protein and fat-filled meals every day with annoying healthy things in them like brown rice and vegetables.
This is the price of being hot, and explains why most of this country is obese — no one actually wants to eat shit like that. Which is easier: eating healthy, exercising and dressing well, OR, getting real fuckin’ fat and making a Tumblr account dedicated to how “fat is beautiful too” and the atrocities of “Thin Privilege”?
We all want to be attractive but no one wants to put the effort into it. This is how we wind up with shit like this:
Despite winning both competitions, Lauren doesn’t see this as a reason to start eating crap (which I would do) and lay on the couch for three weeks straight (which I’m already in the process of doing.) In the meantime, she’s focusing on her college work in order to be admitted to Cardiff University’s midwifery program. “I will definitely be returning to the Pure Elite stage to maybe try a new category like ‘fitness model’ and to try and retain my titles for another year,” she explained. Until then, take a gander at her before and after photos and maybe get inspired to go for a jog today. Or don’t, and eat fried chicken instead. One might be better for you in the long run, but the other involves food.
You know which one I’m picking.