Crimes I Absolutely Won’t Commit For A New Nintendo Switch Console

Today is the day, Nintendo officially released their new Nintendo Switch console. It’s apparently a lot of fun, and they are sold out just about everywhere. I desperately want a Nintendo Switch, but I’m not willing to break the law for one.

In fact, I am so unwilling to break the law for a Nintendo Switch console that I’ve compiled a complete list of crimes that I will not commit for one.

Drug Running

I absolutely will not sell or trade illegal drugs for a Nintendo Switch console with a copy of “Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild.” I do not have a prosthetic leg that I‘ve hollowed out to move large amounts of drugs in complete secrecy. I do not have a fake passport with visas to most countries in Central America and I am not ready to move at a moments notice. Please, do not ship a Nintendo Switch addressed to “Mr. Brown” to the Break offices with the instructions of what you want me to smuggle and where you want me to smuggle it. I won’t do it.

Car Theft

I definitely will not steal a car of your choice and deliver it to your house for a Nintendo Switch and an extra Joy Con controller. I do not have extensive experience in hot wiring cars and do not know how to evade the police if a high speed chase where to arise. I am not willing to steal most luxury cars, foreign or domestic for this. Do not send a Nintendo Switch to the Break offices addressed to “Mr. Brown” with a make, model, year and drop off location. I won’t steal that car and bring it to that location.

Insider Trading

Insider trading and other white collar crimes can cost a lot of people a lot of money and I will not set up an insider trading scheme or a Ponzi scheme for a brand new Nintendo Switch console. I refuse to break federal law and share confidential advice about companies to stock traders to give them a leg up in the market place. Don’t mail a Nintendo Switch to the Break offices addressed to “Mr. Brown” with a list of stocks, companies, and the number of a burner cell phone you’ve set up. I won’t call that phone on Monday with what I’ve learned about those companies so don’t even bother.


I will not murder anyone for a Nintendo Switch console. I especially won’t murder anyone for two Nintendo Switch consoles. If you have an enemy or political opponent that you would like murdered, don’t mail two Nintendo Switch consoles to the Break offices addressed to “Mr. Brown” with a name and address of the person you would like murdered along with a gun, a silencer and tickets out of the country. I am not a trained killer that really wants a Nintendo Switch console so you’re barking up the wrong tree with this request.

Stealing a Nintendo Switch

I won’t steal a Nintendo Switch console in exchange for a Nintendo Switch console because that would be stupid.

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