Fast Food Secret Menu Items: Look Cool While You Destroy Your Body

The Daily Mail recently posted some McDonald’s secret menu items compiled from current and former Mickey D’s employees on Quora. They were mostly sad since, you know, it’s McDonald’s. Our TAD (True And Depressing) Award goes to Mackenzie, who suggests ordering a “round egg” on your sandwich instead of the scramble because the “round egg” is “real.”

To cheer myself up and also make me insanely hungry for artery clogging goodness, I decided to search the internet for the best fast food secret menu items EVER ALL-TIME IN THE UNIVERSE.

After a very cursory search on Google (AskJeeves won’t answer me any more. It’s a long story, don’t ask – but seriously after a few drinks I’ll totally tell you Jeeves is a dick.) I found some winners. And by winners, I mean losers, because it’s fast food and we all deserve better.

On to the results!

1. Arby’s – The Meat Mountain

According to this Washington Post story the meat mountain, like every great invention from penicillin to Post-it Notes, was created by accident. Eager to brag about their wide variety of meats, Arby’s used this promotional poster …

… and people started saying “YES, YES THAT! PUT IT IN MY MOUTH!” (Disclaimer: This is not a direct quote or anything close. OK, I made it up. Are you happy now?) For $10 you, too, can enjoy a mountain made of meat. Or for the price of your ex-girlfriend’s mom’s HBO Go account.

2. In-N-Out – Animal Style Fries

If you’re lucky enough to live out west you’re familiar with the main attractions – The Grand Canyon, Yellowstone National Park, In-N-Out. (I’m supposed to use a lot of images for Break’s “special” readers. Pretend I did some cute photoshopping of In-N-Out at the bottom of the Grand Canyon or on top of Old Faithful Geyser and let’s move on.) Next time you have 20-30 minutes to kill at the drive-thru throw some Animal Style Fries on the request line, turn up the volume, and feel your belly jiggle to the sweet, sweet grooves of melted cheese, grilled onion and thousand island dressing.

3. Sonic – Frito Pie

“Cuz fuck it, you’re already at Sonic. Life has clearly not been kind to you. Sure, your body is a temple – a temple about to be razed to the ground by an invading horde of gross.” (That’s their slogan, right?) If you’re really asking, a Frito Pie is Fritos topped with a shitload of melted cheese and chili.

4. Taco Bell – The Incredible Hulk Burrito

“Don’t make my burrito angry. You wouldn’t like my burrito when it’s angry.” (Sorry I had to, I already hate myself.) According to this is “essentially…a 5 layer burrito layered with guacamole instead of the usual nacho cheese sauce, and getting rid of the extra inner 6 inch tortilla shell and sour cream, then make it FRESCO.” WHAT IS FRESCO AND WHY IS IT IN ALL CAPS? I DON’T KNOW. Here I already searched Wikipedia – apparently you get a free painting with your burrito or something. You’re welcome.

5. Subway – The Pizza Sub

(I really thought this was on the menu. In college, I was a Sandwich Artist and I remember making this. Maybe I was just stoned and thought it was an actual menu item. Did I really work at Subway, or was it all a dream…) Our last item is for when you want to pretend you’re not eating fast food when you’re really eating fast food. Go to Subway and order the pizza sub – it’s just that. Pepperoni, marinara sauce, and cheese. On a sub.

Since starting this article I’ve ordered and eaten a pizza. I hope I’m happy with myself. (Spoiler: I’m not.) That’s it. Article over. Enjoy your FRESCO.

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