Football Coach Suspended After Stuffing Dick In Hotdog Bun And Showing Kids

Just to get it out of the way: you shouldn’t flash people. You should be able to walk down the street without fear of random dicks popping into view, and should a random dick pop into view it definitely should not be your high school football coach’s dick.

That being said…considering all the teacher student sex scandals going on these days, this isn’t as bad. Is stuffing your dick into a hotdog bun and showing it to kids bad? Of course! Don’t do that. In fact, on your list of things to do today make sure that’s at the bottom, right below “huff paint” and “test out new blender with fist” — but fortunately, “hotdog bun” isn’t a euphemism for “young supple ass cheeks” like I thought it was at first; Ferris High School football coach Jim Sharkey at least has that going for him.

Sharkey was reportedly placed on paid administrative leave after claims that he had exposed himself to multiple players during a leadership camp in the summer of 2016 came to light. He also supposedly allowed hazing among his players, but those claims don’t include the act of sticking your dick into a hotdog bun so we’re going to ignore them for now. What? Did you come here for thorough news reporting? Come on now, you clicked on a story titled “Football Coach Suspended After Stuffing Dick In Hotdog Bun And Showing Kids,” you came here for mild amusement not legitimate information.

According to KREM, a player who attended the camp with Sharkey came forward to authorities and claim that while Sharkey was grilling hotdogs, he stuck his dick inside a hotdog bun and showed it to players. Realizing that he could follow it up with something even dumber, he allegedly said “You think that is a big dog – take a look at this.”

Now, I don’t know Sharkey and I don’t know the players who attended the camp, but to me this sounds like an idiotic joke by an old man who’s trying to connect with a younger generation. Unless this entire generation has a gay hotdog fetish, I’m not sure how this stunt was supposed to work in his favor – is this something that’s worked in the past for him? Does Sharkey start out every blind date by sticking his junk into a hotdog bun? Does he do this at every cookout to the thunderous roar of laughter from his friends? Is this a football drill I’m unaware of? Inquiring minds want to know, Sharkey.

When interviewed by the school district’s Director of Certified Personnel about the allegations, Sharkey reportedly stated “That is the biggest lie I have ever heard. 100 percent total lie.” However, more allegations came to light in January – none involving hotdog buns, mind you, just mundane shit like supposedly calling students “dipshits” and threatening to punch students in the face – which prompted another meeting with the Director of Certified Personnel. “This is a witch hunt,” he stated according to KREM. “I do a lot for this school…now I am paranoid and concerned if I peed outside I would be in trouble. You better have dates and times of the juicing. If you say 10 to 15 times – you just better be able to tell me exactly when, where.”

Oh yeah – juicing. Remember how I said we weren’t going to talk about hazing because it didn’t involve hotdog buns? Well, the lie detector determined that was a lie, because even though there wasn’t a hotdog in sight there were certainly several fingers plunged into an asshole. Tomato, tuh-mah-toe:

Students had reported a thing called “juicing” where the team would get in a big group on someone’s birthday and stick their fingers in the student’s anus, according to school documents. Templeton [Director of Certified Personnel] told Sharkey it had been going on for three years. Sharkey said he would not allow this to happen in his program and that there was no bullying going on. He said there was hazing in the program 10 years ago and he put a stop to it.

Best. Birthday. Ever.

Records show that Sharkey was placed on administrative leave starting February 1st. His leave is set to continue “until further notice.”

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