Girl Dumps Boiling Water On College Football Star Boyfriend

We’re all friends here, right? Well, maybe you don’t consider ME a friend yet but in my book, y’all might as well be my brothers and sisters…or maybe those extended cousins my family pretends don’t exist (but I like them!) Either way, since we’re all friends here that means we can be honest with each other.

I wanted to sit here and crack a bunch of stupid jokes about this chick acting like a sack of crap purely due to pregnancy hormones. But you know what? Most pregnant women don’t pour boiling water on their boyfriends when they’re being ignored. I’ve never been pregnant THANK GOD…

…but if I ever got knocked up, I’d be throwing pots and pans before I took the time out of my life to stare at a pot of water on the stove, carry that bitch to wherever my man is standing, then chuck it on him. That takes a lot of plotting. That takes a lot of pre-emptive thinking, planning and bitchassery. 

Best case scenario: this chick is pregnant with the anti-Christ and the fetus infiltrated her brain temporarily.

According to Daily Mail, Florida International University tight end Jonnu Smith was allegedly attacked by his girlfriend, 20-year-old Mary Gaspar, while inside their apartment this past Halloween. When speaking to police, Gaspar told them that she was “feeling extremely emotional and stressed” then mentioned that she and Smith had argued all day about their relationship.

You know what I’m doing when I feel emotional and stressed? I throw a tampon in it and squeeze a stress ball. I don’t assault my boyfriend and potentially ruin his impending NFL career. If anything that’s counterproductive, since logically you’d WANT him to make it into the NFL because when y’all eventually get divorced (marriages in the NFL are as meaningful as gift cards on Christmas), you’re going to want the most in alimony you can possibly get. Smith reportedly has NFL aspirations, as he’s third in FIU history with 17 career touchdown catches, fourth with 175 receptions. So yeah, those fat alimony checks ain’t gonna happen if he’s working at a used car dealership in Tampa.

And because she decided to temporarily not use her brain, Gaspar was arrested two days later. She pleads not guilty, and has been released on a pretrial order.

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