Last week, a Coca-Cola factory in Ireland halted production after several Coke cans were found filled to the brim with human waste. The factory had to shut down for nearly a day while all equipment was thoroughly scrubbed and sanitized.
Through this disaster, I must ask the following. Was this an accident, or is this a marketting campaign for Coca-Cola’s new brand of human waste flavored soft drinks? If it is the latter and not the former, I refuse to be left in the dust on this fad and I demand they send me a case of whatever this new product is.
Would human waste flavored soft drinks be gross? Sure, but so was Mountain Dew Code Red. Much like Mountain Dew’s vague cherry-flavored swill of the early 2000s, it takes a few cases to decide if the drink is right for you. I don’t think a human waste based Coca-Cola would be good, but I don’t want to make that call without choking down a few.
I was late to the party with Amiibos, dabbing, and Snapchat. I didn’t pick up Pokemon Go until everyone in my neighborhood had stopped hunting Pokemon in the back alley behind the 7-11 near my house and started doing the mannequin challenge. I won’t let that happen with Coca-Cola’s new human waste flavored beverage. I just want to be relevant, and if I have to chug down a can of human waste to do it, then that is the price I am willing to pay.
Coca-Cola, if you’re reading this and you plan on releasing a drink that is both made of human waste and carbonated, mail a case to the Break offices care of Bryan Brown so I can be on the forefront of this new pop culture trend. If this wasn’t a branded content news story and you aren’t actually producing a human waste drink, then good for you. That’s a terrible idea for a product.