Is That Foam On Your Street Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?

We are now into the second weekend after the election and, as we have learned from the four-hour Viagra erection, there is only so much of one thing that anyone needs. News media old and new have been flooded with stories about cry-ins, riots, and random gay curlers. That last example doesn’t have anything to do with the first two but it does get me to the point of this column, which is that there isn’t any point. The world is full of news that doesn’t have any mention of Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton, all you have to do is look for it. Hey, even better, I’ll look for it for you.

Yep, after being forced to endure a week and a half of election hot takes from people I wouldn’t trust to give me directions to a destination twelve feet away, it’s time to unwind. 

The universe seems to agree with me because, just when the news was hitting peak wearisome, it began oozing billowy clouds of foam onto a California (of course) street

“The massive blob of fire retardant oozed out of an airport hangar after a fire alarm system malfunctioned. The foam filled the entire building before spilling onto surrounding streets. Witnesses say that it looked to a snow storm. Scientists say that it is chemically equivalent to a large bubble bath.” 

CALGON, take us away!

It’s almost as if the universe was trying to say, “There there, just grab a beer and stare at this for a while and it’ll all be better…” to America. 

Thank you, universe. Just curious, any other good distractions out there today? Say, like something involving bestiality accusations and doughnuts? 

Glad you asked Kruiser, I just happen to have something to fit the bill

“An actress is facing a massive £230,000 bill after falsely accusing her neighbour of luring one of her pigs over with doughnuts and having sex with it.

Sharon Hamilton, a 54-year-old actor who appeared in TV series Doc Martin, made the astonishing claim about her 73-year-old neighbour Anton Barkhuysen in the midst of an eight-year land dispute.

It led to the pensioner being arrested on New Year’s Day in 2013 and put through a ‘humiliating’ police investigation, which involved probing questions about his sex life and ‘intimate sampling’.

Barkhuysen, who is married and lives in Tregolls in Cornwall, was ultimately cleared of the bizarre offence and has been awarded £32,080 for false imprisonment, harassment and slander by Mr Justice Warby.”

Who among us hasn’t been forced to give a sperm sample after simply trying to share a platonic good time and a cruller with the neighbor’s pig? 

Well, this guy probably hasn’t.

“Ottowa Senators captain Erik Karlsson knows the key to a girl’s heart.

His longtime girlfriend Melinda Currey posted a photo of an engagement ring on top of a pepperoni pizza with #dreamproposal.”

Average dudes are selling plasma to afford elaborate proposals and a millionaire pro athlete gets a hottie with ring and a pizza, while giving rise (pun intended) to thousands of “pepperoni” jokes in one night.  

Man, I am a sucker for a great romantic story like that.

A sure fire way to feel better about anything that is happening in America is to look elsewhere in the world. It usually takes less than a minute to find something to be grateful about, like the fact that you’re not being lectured about masculinity while watching a vasectomy video on Facebook

“The World Vasectomy Organization has taken an unexpected step in its efforts to promote sterilization in Kenya — by livestreaming the process on Facebook.

A series of operations were performed by doctors on a stage at the Kenyan National Theater in Nairobi Friday. They took place behind a curtain and were streamed online in an effort to banish stereotypes about masculinity, according to BBC News.”

Now if they could have somehow combined the vasectomy lecture with pizza…

Wait, I don’t even wanna deal with the pepperoni jokes, um, stemming, from that. 

Look, I’m not saying that the world hasn’t gone completely mad:

I’m just saying that we can take a break from the madness once in a while. 

For those of you who absolutely have to bring it around to politics, I leave you with Mitt Romney and what I’m assuming is a suitcase full of cash standing in a cab line at JFK with the 99-percenters on his way to visit the President-elect when he’d much rather be celebrating his own re-election. 

Happy Weekend, everyone. 

Stephen Kruiser is a professional stand-up comic and writer who has had the honor of entertaining U.S. troops all over the world.

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