Getting free food is not hard. As a girl, all I really have to do is show up to any given fast food restaurant past midnight, act slightly intoxicated and pathetic, then ask random people for shit off the dollar menu in the most pitiful way possible. Maybe drop a line or two about how my phone is dead or how I dropped it in a toilet and can’t contact anyone, possibly shed a tear or two…it’s not hard.
Same strategy works for dudes…granted, it’s way more uncomfortable to see a grown man crying about his shattered phone screen and begging for cheeseburgers, but that’s life: women get the “joy” of getting pregnant and giving birth, men get to play on hard mode when it comes to asking for free stuff. It’s a give and a take, and I for one will always choose free food over screaming babies any day.
If you’re reading this and thinking, “There must be a cheat code for free fast food!” you would be correct. I just told you the cheat code: be a 6.5 or above and have a vagina. OR, if you are hideously ugly and a dude, you could always get the McDonald’s McGold card.
Apparently McDonald’s primarily gives these cards out to celebrities, because people worth millions of dollars need free food that costs less than $5. That’s exactly why you regularly see stars like Jennifer Lopez, Selena Gomez and Hugh Jackman stuffing their faces full of McNuggets. There is nothing healthier or more guaranteed to get you in shape than a weekly McRib, which means that the rich and famous have to be chowing down on McDick’s daily in order to stay attractive for their fancy-pants movie roles and television shows. Us plebs, on the other hand…
…we eat at Burger King.
God help us all.
There is, however, one way for us normal folk to be #blessed with a McGold card, but it involves doing something heroic or newsworthy. Remember Charles Ramsey, that guy who ditched his meal at McDonald’s to help rescue Amanda Berry and several other kidnapped women back in May 2013?
McDonald’s gave him a McGold card that meant he was able to have free McDonald’s at all locations for a year, and unlimited food for the rest of his life at local Ohio restaurants. The lesson here is simple: have a friend steal a child, keep that child locked up for at least five years and then go on and bust into the house. Save the kid and reap the free cheeseburgers for the rest of your life. You’ll probably have to split it with your friend, but considering he’ll be doing life in prison you’ve got a solid head start until if/when he makes parole.
Or, you could accept your place towards the bottom rung of American and continue to fork over $1 for cheeseburgers. In the meantime, you can find me stalking along the outskirts of a playground carrying a large potato sack and wearing all black. These free burgers ain’t gonna kidnap themselves, y’know.