Opiate-Addicted Birds Are Stealing Precious Opium Poppies. I Have Solutions

Here’s a feel good story: according to the UK’s Mirror, opium-addicted birds are swooping down onto poppy fields in India, then gorging themselves on opiate-rich sap, sometimes dying. 

Pictured: bird, opium poppies, teaser for chilling moment snooker player tries to stop a fi

When I said it was a feel-good story, I was referring to how the birds feel when they’re high on the precursor to heroin. 

This is serious. Those poppies are used to make heroin, in addition to hundreds of legal, safe drugs like Oxycontin, plus they’re an integral part of so many third-world economies. 

Here are four easy-to-implement solutions for this sticky predicament:


1. Give these birds the “carton of smokes” treatment.

You know how when you catch your son smoking a Newport you’re supposed to lock him in a closet with a carton of Newports, then force him to smoke one Newport after another until the minty-fresh flavor and delightful buzz you get from smoking a Newport turns to nausea and revulsion? Then he throws up and, miraculously, loses his taste for Newports…forever? How about we lock the damn birds in a cage full of junk and force them to eat it until they lose their taste for smack forever because they’re dead? If this sounds wasteful, it should go without saying that we would cut open the birds and reclaim any of the undigested heroin from the birds’ stomachs.


2. Get the birds hooked on cocaine.

Look, the way I see it, we have two serious drug problems in the world: opiate-addicted parrots are depleting the supply of heroin for human beings who actually pay for it…and cocaine, a scourge which must be eradicated from the face of the Earth. If the birds would simply develop a taste for coke—by the way, my suggestion here is to waft clouds of freebase smoke up into the trees where the birds are hanging out—they would not only stop pilfering our dwindling supply of opium poppies but they’d also begin dive-bombing the fields of coca plants that we can’t seem to wipe out ourselves. Win-win.


3. Play “Not If You Were The Last Junkie On Earth” by the Dandy Warhols on repeat

Have we stopped to ask why the birds started doing heroin in the first place? Is it because…they just want to be cool? Is it possible we can just embarrass the birds out of their conspicuous addiction? The 1997 alternative rock hit “Not If You Were The Last Junkie On Earth” is a blistering indictment of heroin addiction as an affect, with frontman Courtney Taylor-Taylor singing “I never thought you get addicted to just be cooler in an obvious way / I could say, shouldn’t you have got a couple piercings and decided maybe that you were gay?” We could just play this on a loop until the birds get the message and give up the shtick. Plus, the song’s so catchy all the hardworking poppy farmers would never get tired of it!

4. Stage a loving intervention for the birds, then kill them

Imagine: we call the birds to something under false pretenses. Most likely the promise of a party with a lot of heroin. But they walk (fly) into the room only to see everyone they’ve ever loved…and everyone they’ve ever hurt: the birds’ family members, friends, co-workers, the poppy farmers, maybe even a few of the junkies whose lives they’ve impacted the most. We all pull out pieces of paper from which we’re going to read out personal statements…but the papers are all blank. That’s right, it’s a ruse. We force a few crocodile tears to get the birds to drop their guard and understand how much they mean to us…which is right when someone steps out from the supply closet with a shotgun, massacring the birds like a drug deal gone wrong. Except in this case, it’s a drug deal gone RIGHT.

Or I guess we could try to lower America’s opiate consumption levels. 



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