Hide yo kids, hide yo wife, and hide yo husband ‘cause Pokémon are raping everybody out here in Moscow.
2012 called and it wants its reference back.
This has got to be a really confusing time to be a crazy person. Millions of people all over the world are running around trying to find little monsters that nobody else can see with the naked eye. So it is no surprise that someone out there has finally accused a Pokémon of sexual assault.
The woman in Moscow, Russia says that she woke up one night to discover a large Pokémon on top of her, raping her as she slept. Like not on her phone, literally on top of her in the room. She jumped out of bed and the creature disappeared. When she checked her Pokémon Go app she could still see the virtual creature in the room with her. I can almost hear a horror movie script being furiously banged out on a laptop right now.
She called police, but they and her husband refused to believe her and instead suggest she consult a psychiatrist. However, instead she went to a psychic who I assume told her she sees a padded room in her future. OK, to be fair, we shouldn’t be quick to judge. The woman has a witness to back up her extraordinary claims. Her friend Ivan Makarov told reporters, “She says there are too many Pokémon at her place and even the dog can sense them. She says the dog barks whenever she plays Pokemon GO.”
I think the dog is barking because someone has been playing Pokémon Go nonstop for the past several weeks and needs to put the phone down.
Follow Phil Haney on Twitter @PhilHaney