Staring wistfully off into the distance while eating a locally sourced non-GMO carne asada taco, 25-year-old Theo Peterson-Braun, a self-proclaimed Tex-Mex enthusiast and “woke individual,” lamented to reporters on Monday about his internal struggle to both protest against the deportations of non-criminal illegal immigrants as well as be able to frequent Juan’s Taco Shack on his lunch break without being late back to his barista job.
“My boss gives me an hour for lunch,” he explained. “It takes 15 minutes to ride my unicycle to Juan’s. I could drive my mom’s Prius, but she wakes up too early for work in the morning and my alarm doesn’t go off until noon. Plus, the seats are leather and the vegan Instagram account I’ve been following lately says leather is the devil’s dildo.” After Theo arrives there are only 30 minutes left before he needs to cycle back to work, however the line at Juan’s can take upwards of 45 minutes before customers reach the ordering window.
“It’s just so frustrating. Here I am spending my weekends protesting against deporting illegal immigrants, yet I can’t even get a taco on my lunch break because all the local persons of Hispanic descent know that Juan’s is the only place to go if you want authentic Tex-Mex,” said Theo, who then coyly hinted that he knew of a way to shorten the line, but that he wasn’t sure how to go about making it happen. “It’s almost like if we let everyone get deported, the line would be shorter and I could make it back to Starbucks with my gluten free taco without being late.”
“But I could never do that — society needs justice, and I am one of the woke individuals making sure everyone knows to check their privilege; I am the watcher of the wall that has yet to be built.”
Theo’s mother, Bernadette Peterson-Braun, however, painted a different story. “Theo wakes up at noon, works for three hours and then spends the rest of the day finger painting protest signs. Anytime I point out he’s misspelled ‘hola’ or ‘immigration,’ he throws his crayons at me and says to stop triggering him. It’s gotten to the point where I’ve stopped going down into the basement to see what he’s up to; the whole place has begun to reek of body odor ever since he realized that his favorite deodorant has gelatin in it.”
When pressed on why he could not simply choose a different restaurant to purchase lunch from, Theo became irate. “You think it’s easy being this socially conscientious of the world around you? You think I’m going to get food from Jose’s Taco Stand instead? Jose doesn’t use grass fed beef. Jose can’t spell GMO. Jose doesn’t even know the difference between a locally sourced farmer’s market and an organic farm to table day fair.” When asked to explain the difference, Theo promptly shoved his thumbs in his ears and repeatedly asked that we “check our privilege” as he slowly deteriorated into a 20-minute rant on why his overindulgence of Tex-Mex cuisine did not count as cultural appropriation. “Texas was part of Mexico once, ok? So that means that persons of Mexican origin are in Texas, but so are Texans. Texan food is safe, which means Tex-Mex is half-safe and we always round up safe-ness by the half. Do you get it now?”
This reporter declined to answer.
“Theo’s a good kid. His heart is in the right place but his mind hasn’t quite caught up,” Bernadette lamented, adding that “Sometimes I think it’s trauma from his father leaving us, but then I remember spending $50,000 for him to get a Women’s Studies degree from a northern college. That probably did not help things.”