Someone Figured Out If Making A Human Centipede Is Medically Possible

The Human Centipede was my favorite movie for about a week right after A Serbian Film, if only for the novelty that both films give you the most confusing boners you’ll ever experience. For those #blessed enough to not have seen either, A Serbian Film follows a retired male porn star who gets sucked back into the industry for one last avant garde film, which will hopefully earn him enough to never have to film porn again.

The Human Centipede, on the other hand, shirks any potential for having a deeper meaning within the plot and goes straight to abducting stupid chicks lost in the woods and sewing their assholes to each other’s mouths. That’s not to say that A Serbian Film is a deep movie – 90% of the flick is the main character stabbing people with machetes and fucking their dead bodies (I am not kidding). But at least A Serbian Film is somewhat plausible, whereas the logistics between sewing three people together ass-to-mouth is dubious at best.

So to answer the question on everyone’s mind back in 2009, one Dr. Louise Owen has come forward to say “sorta maybe kinda?” Basically right off the bat the concept is fucked since sewing people’s faces to other people’s assholes…

…will probably kill you, unless you have a poop eating fetish:

“Assuming it’s an airtight seal, her natural instinct would be to swallow whatever’s in her mouth, but if someone were to shit into your mouth, it is likely that you would vomit it back up. That vomit would have nowhere to go and it is probable that some of it would be aspirated.

In this case, you could immediately choke or die quite quickly of pneumonia. Also, I’m assuming they manage to breathe through their nose. When you cry that blocks your nose so you can’t breathe. If you had an anus sewn to your mouth, you would probably be crying.

As anyone who has vomited knows, it is a violent process and likely to dislodge the staples. In addition, as there is not a place for vomit to go for two of the victims (B and C), they would likely inhale vomit. This would cause chemical injury to the lungs from stomach acid, difficulty breathing, and pneumonia.” 

In the event that you DO enjoy eating scat, don’t get too excited – you’re probably still dead. If you’ve seen the movie you’ll remember that our two ditzy female characters and the one solo dude were left abandoned at various times while sporting various wounds, PLUS an in-house surgery? Dr. Owen says your realistic chances as well as the characters’ are slim:

“There were a lot of things those people could have died from, even just tied up on the floor like that, let alone the initial wounds: hypothermia, dehydration, possible infection of wounds, some of those people may have had blood poisoning. Septicemia can kill you very quickly.” 

It’s been years since I’ve seen this movie, but I’m 88% sure this is where our guy takes his first dump since being centipeded.

But let’s assume you like eating poop and made it through your surgery and abuse without dying. While you may have caught a lucky break there, you drew the shit stick (literally) and are now the third person in the centipede, meaning that you get to spend the rest of your waning days eating reprocessed feces. Can you live?

“Yeah, the guy at the front eats, the passage of that would be normal that would come out as normal faeces. So the next person would ingest faeces and then it would probably come out as just more faeces. That said there’s not a lot of goodness left, that’s why we poo it out.

There’s not zero nutrition in there, a lot of animals feed off faeces. That would be an interesting experiment actually, feed a human nothing but human excrement and see how long they can survive.”

Answer: No, at least not for long.

So technically, technically, it’s possible – but is it likely? No. Would I still watch a reality series based around three people trying to become the world’s first human centipede? Fuck yes. Would I feel bad when the centipede inevitably died? Nah. The centipede lifestyle chooses you, not the other way around — those people had no choice but to answer the call.

How much money would it take for you to be the second person in a human centipede, meaning you get the luxury of eating shit and shitting into someone’s mouth? Let us know in the comments!

[H/T Film School Rejects & VICE]

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