Taylor Swift Can’t Help Herself

Taylor Swift


Earlier this month, we learned that Taylor Swift has been secretly dating Joe Alwyn. Joe Alwyn is a 26-year old British actor who still lives with his parents. Joe sounds like a millennial icon Stop me if you’ve heard this before:

A source said: “Taylor and Joe are the real deal, this is a very serious relationship.”

Apparently we know this because The Sun “leaked” it.  We also know that the only person who has ever managed to pull off leaking something on Taylor Swift without an instructional Power Point presentation from her PR and legal team is Kim Kardashian. After this news “leaked”, this was the followup:

We’re told she’s obviously a little “bummed” that the news of her relationship got out. However, the insider said, “At the same time, she is really excited about being with Joe and is hoping she can relax a little bit more now and just enjoy being with him.”

lol k. Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston broke up in September. Taylor Swift and Joe Alwyn started dating in October. Taylor couldn’t wait to get this shit out. She would have posted a pic on Instagram of Joe putting costume on her cat last Halloween if she could have. She had to stab herself in the thigh with her keys every time they wore matching outfits and she opened her front camera or this narrative would’ve been destroyed.

“Taylor has been insanely private about her relationship with Joe,” a source tells PEOPLE exclusively about the couple, who have been dating for several months. “She wanted to get to know him without any chaos. She has learned from the past.” Jetting in under the radar and reportedly renting a house in North London, Swift is determined to keep her relationship out of the spotlight — and so is Alwyn.

Yet here we all are reading about it. And the whole “- and so is Alwyn” is super cute like he has any fucking say in this at all. Her PR team probably put a black hood on him, threw him in a van, and has doing red carpet prep right now.  We all know how this is gonna end. Joe isn’t gonna text back one day within the timeframe stipulated in his signed agreement and Taylor will break up with him (and we’ll know about it the next day via her PR team), then 6 months later she’ll have a new album called, Songs With Thinly Veiled References to Joe Alwyn, since she has to go through men like tampons and still play the victim. Pretty sure this is some sort of preexisting condition.


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