The Bachelor: I Love Youse

I am tempted to forgo recapping all the action of tonight’s episode and just post a pic of each of the pairs of absurdly tight bottoms (swim, shorts and capri varieties) Ben wore. Something classy and understated—no smartass captions, just the images that speak so well for themselves, leaving you to reflect on the tragedy. And I might have gone through with it, had dear Mr. Higgins not dug himself such an enormous crabhole tonight. Let’s look back on how he got there.

Most naive Jamaican exuberance: Ben
We kicked off the episode with Ben expressing his bright-eyed love for Jamaica, and also describing it to us as if The Bachelor is a ’50s radio program. The water: blue! The air: clean! It’s all for naught. For, as any good spring breaker knows, Jamaica is a place that takes on the color of your experience there. And Ben will soon hate it more than a hungover sophomore who got pink eye but managed to lose one of each pair of his shoes.

Most likely to flame out in the ladies’ short program: Caila
I’ve seen this face before. It’s the ultra-confident/insanely-insecure/toothy look of a top figure skating prospect who’s about to blow her shot on international TV. I kept waiting for Scott Hamilton to tell us in hushed tones what music her routine is set to.

Most likely to adjust his daily step goal downwards: Ben
Nope, wasn’t even trying to climb to the top of this thing. I just wanted to sit on this particular stone… and I nailed it.

Least appropriate simile: “I’m like a little kid”
When everybody gets excited, everybody’s “like a little kid,” according to everybody. The thing you’re excited about is being locked alone in a hotel room, pondering the future in your satin minirobe until it’s time to take your place in a frighteningly paced Caribbean sexual roulette. It’s not exactly counting the days til Santa comes, you know? Little kids have no place in this conversation.

Weirdest shot: This one
You know when there’s, like, a big rainstorm, and CNN encourages regular people to send in blurry cell phone shots of puddles in their backyard? I have a feeling that’s what happened here. Thanks for the creepy pic, Earl from Raleigh, who told his family he was just going to get ice!

Someone whom Ben probably said “I love you” to: Jerk chicken grillmaster
Ben, Ben! What are you thinking? Like your extra-long blue tee, you may be able to stretch this act out, but there’s no good way to end it, and it’s not distracting anyone from your aforementioned very tight shorts.

Most naive Ben exuberance: Jojo
Jojo started calling Ben “babe” immediately after he crowned her his JV only one. Somewhere, her brothers are filing the toes of their ankle boots down to fine points and plotting Ben’s demise.

Most terrifying: Caila’s final moments
A true horror movie, though at times it was hard to tell whether Caila was the killer or the victim. Victims don’t tend to do so much smiley, dogged chasing, you know?

Best poker face: Chris Harrison
He told you he loved you? You don’t say. It’s easy for me to remain nonchalant, because I genuinely do not give a s—t. Can’t even remember if you’re the one named Jojo or the one named Lolo, or maybe one of you is called YOLO? Anyway, I don’t care. Can’t believe I steamed my lilac linen for this foolishness.

Most in need of a plan: Ben
I feel like right now he’s leaning towards trying to talk them into being sister wives. Or like, Jojo could just sleep in a nightstand drawer whenever Lauren isn’t flying. I could hug you guys like this every day!

Photos: Courtesy of ABC

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