This promo is full of so much drama, I love it so much. But mostly it features RACHEL’S DOG! DOG ALERT! IT’S RACHEL’S DOG! It has a cast on its front right leg, but it’s gonna be OK I think.
At Bachelor Mansion, the men are talking about how smart and beautiful and good-smelling Rachel is, and there’s the obligatory mention of Being Here for the Right Reasons. Today, we’re doing two group dates and a one-on-one.
On the first group date, Rachel is barbecuing in a dress and heels because she came to slay. They play some touch football, but it’s difficult to figure out if anyone is…winning? Are there goal posts or…you know what, to be honest, I don’t totally know how football works. Lucas picks Rachel up and spins her around and dances and is basically an asshole, so Blake takes it upon himself to put a stop to the nonsense. Drama!
At the Husband Material Relay, Rachel’s “friends” (Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis) show up to judge because they’re, apparently, big fans of the show. They’re…well, they’re not funny, but they are charming. Mila wants to make sure that everyone has a job which, smart. The relay involves doing basic baby care taking, which is of course very, very hard for men because gender norms.
Surprisingly, Lucas is a speedy diaper-er, but all of the men are basically OK at Bjorn-ing. Kenny, a single dad, is at an obvious advantage. The men are quite hapless with a vacuum. Is this feminism? Is this what equality looks like in 2017? I don’t care; it’s fine. I do appreciate that all of the babies seem to be at least biracial because, you know, it’s Rachel’s baby. Lucas is in the lead, despite drowning his baby along the way. Kenny simply refers to Lucas as “Whaboom,” which is correct. Lucas straight-up shoves Kenny, which seems like a bad idea since Kenny is a professional wrestler. Lucas wins.
Ashton Kutcher is not amused by the “Whaboom” thing. You know you’re acting like a fool when the guy who took his pants off on SNL thinks you’re embarrassing yourself.
Rachel always talks like she’s giving a presentation. During her one-on-one with Lucas, he is, admittedly, not as annoying as he is around the other men. He’s very focused on his love for Rachel. He writes a poem that isn’t awful but uses the word “entile” which is, BTW, not a word. But that doesn’t change the fact that he and Blake apparently know each other from before…on another dating show? It’s unclear, but it’s clear we are headed for a showdown.
Fred continues to be weirdly intense and young. Jack continues to have a murder-y aspect. Tickle Monster fails to impress with his fun diaper facts. Iggy is boring AF.
Blake is, frankly, taking this way too seriously. Like sure, Lucas might not be here for “the right reasons,” but it’s The Bachelorette. Don’t be so precious. But wait! Blake has the tea. He lives with Lucas’ ex! Lucas wears makeup! (Who cares if someone wears makeup though? I’d want to look good on television, too. It’s fucking television.) God, I hate both these men a lot. The white male egos…please stop.
Dean makes Rachel laugh like a good lil boy. Rachel makes it clear she was A-OK with his “ready to go black” joke and in fact wanted to say it first because, as it turns out, Rachel is kinda corny!
This whole drama about Blake’s off-screen roommate is incredibly boring.
Kenny says his daughter’s middle name is Rachel, and I’m inclined to believe him, but also if he were lying that’d be a great move. He and Rachel bond over being in their thirties, and Kenny manages to spin his age (35) into a plus: He’s mature. Rachel’s décolletage is winning the night. The rose goes to Dean, the human puppy. He goes in for the kiss!
The thing about Hot Peter is that he’s not just handsome—he is distractingly handsome. He and Rachel are headed to Palm Springs, and if that’s not great enough, THE DOG IS COMING!!! RACHEL’S LIMPING DOG COPPER! LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT. Hot Peter shaking Copper’s good paw is too much to handle. Copper appears to approve of Hot Peter, which is necessary because it’s actually illegal to marry someone your dog doesn’t like. That’s technically in the constitution.
Their date is a sponsored dog pool party. Dog owners are nuts. I mean, I love dogs, but like y’all need to chill.
Back at Bach Manse, Diggy has different eyeglasses every time. They find out that the next group date (clue “swish”) is basketball-themed and, I swear I am not making this up, the black guys are excited.
At dinner, Hot Peter is wearing a double-breasted jacket, Rachel’s basically in a slip, and oh my God they both look so great. They bond over their gap teeth, which is pretty boring to watch but possibly not if you have gap teeth? Is there a gap teeth community? Is this like, a point of identity for people? It’s obviously not a bad thing as they are literally two of the most attractive humans on this or any planet.
Hot Peter went to a relationship therapist and Rachel did it too and now they are bonding about that too.
I love how they aren’t ashamed of this; nothing to be ashamed of!
This is so cute and open.
He gets a rose.
THIS IS A LOT. THIS IS SO MUCH. I AM A PUDDLE. IT…THEY ARE…THIS COUPLE COULD HEAL AMERICA?
KAREEM ABDUL-JABBAR IN THE HOUSE. He has written extensively (no, really) about The Bachelor, so uh, here he is! Honestly, it is so surreal that Rachel is getting romantic advice from Kareem Abdul-Jabbar right now. Literally, what is this show?
All these guys are pretty bad at basketball. Chris Harrison is there, not doing much. DeMario clearly played before. SKINNY WHITE GIRL IS HERE TO SHAKE THINGS UP THOUGH. DEMARIO HAS A GIRLFRIEND?
Her name is Lexie (OF COURSE IT IS. SHE HAS A SCRUNCHIE!), and she was fully dating DeMario right up until the moment he appeared on After the Final Rose. Rachel plays it very cool, bringing him out to the court to see Lexie.
DeMario goes the oh-so original route of calling his ex “crazy” and getting defensive and talking really quickly. Always the mark of someone telling the truth. Does DeMario actually think he’s getting out of this on a technicality? Rachel is an attorney. She can cross-examine. And she can look at evidence. And she can create a timeline. She’s basically a Shondaland protagonist. BOY, BYE.
Seems like Rachel is also pissed at Chris and the producers like uh, can u plz vet ur contestants?
At drinks that night, the men do their best to cheer Rachel up and pick up the pieces and show their sensitive side. Josiah is like, “Sorry you’re upset. Let me make out with your face!” and gave her a hug. Good on him. Also, he is quite cute. Rachel’s makeup is flawless. Everyone is very serious. Alex sings. In Russian. About dark eyes. He needs to go on Bachelor in Paradise and meet Kristina. Eric and Rachel smooch and smooch. Josiah gets the date rose!
Rachel’s cocktail party look is honestly causing me heart palpitations. She looks like a goddess. First thing, she takes Bryan aside to get those smooches; she liiiiiiiiikes him. Him being a chiropractor, he gives her what I can assume is a good massage. But as Rachel plays with dolls with Adam (the boy loves props!), a situation is unfolding in front of the Manse. DeMario is trying to get back in, and the security is gonna, uh, leave it up to Chris Harrison? Rachel agrees to go talk to DeMario
for ratings out of curiosity.
The promo for next week promises plenty of toxic masculinity, so see you all then!
Parting Thoughts: ‘Still Star-Crossed’ is about to start and I can. not. wait.