Friends! Sorry to disappoint, but your usual The Bachelorette recap writer, Elizabeth Logan, is off in New Orleans living her best life…
…which means you’re stuck with me tonight. I’ll do my best—not the best, just my best—to meet the high standards she’s set. So pour yourself a glass of Final Rosé, and let’s get into it.
We open with DeMario coming back to the mansion (courtesy of the producers) to explain himself. The bros all hover in the background, claiming they’re there to protect Rachel but really just gossiping about what’s going on.
DeMario will. Not. Stop. Talking. He even talks over Rachel whenever she tries to speak, which, honestly, is enough reason to tell him to go. Then he gives some nonsense about how his cab driver told him, “Don’t take no for an answer.” But that is horrible advice!!!! Attention, all men: always, always, always take no for an answer. Good God. Anyway, Rachel shuts it down with amazing lines like, “What I saw…that was a boy, and I need a man.”
Then she says thank you and basically does a hair flip-and-turn. BOY BYE.
Chris Harrison and the dudes all crowd around Rachel and cheer and yell things like, “We’re all here for you!” Rachel tells them she feels empowered, and someone literally shouts that she looked so “fierce.” So, yeah, she’s in a good place right now.
The guys keep gushing over how strong and smart and awesome Rachel is, and I’m like, “Yeah, duh.”
But then, Tickle Monster brings out these giant hands:
Rachel is clearly a saint because she laughs along with the “joke” and doesn’t say, “Hey, your job is ‘tickle monster,’ so please follow DeMario out the door.”
Alex does a Rubik’s Cube while they’re talking. Rachel finds it sexy, but I think it means he should go too because she deserves his FULL attention.
Kenny, meanwhile, shows her family photos, and I’m sold.
Will dunks the tiniest basketball ever, but it’s kind of cute, I guess. He can stay. They kiss, and it’s sweet.
Then we cut to Blake freaking out about Whaboom, but it’s like…Sir, we all know both you and Whaboom aren’t going to win this thing. Just let him fulfill the allotted producer-mandated time and chill. Rachel asks Whaboom why he and Blake don’t get along, and he says, “I don’t know if he has a crush on me.” According to Whaboom, Blake stood over his bed and ate a banana, so it means he wants him sexually?
Now Rachel has to relay this bullshit banana story to Blake. His response: “I don’t eat carbs.”
Soon after, it’s time for the rose ceremony. I think we all know who’s out.
I’d list everyone who got a rose, but I still haven’t learned all of their names. I don’t really need to know, though, because this entire rose ceremony centers around the drama between Blake and Whaboom.
Rachel does a good job of pretending to look conflicted and gives Diggy the last rose. Whaboom and Blake are both gone to the surprise of no one.
Before he leaves, Blake tries one last time to talk shit about Whaboom to Rachel. BLAKE. Make like Elsa and let it goooooo. Then Blake goes to do his exit interview a.k.a. talk more about Whaboom. Blake tells us, “He lives in my town. I can’t get away from him.” Whaboom can overhear, so he starts saying things, too. Blake says, “Time to kill this guy.” What?! That is a murder threat!
The two confront each other, but it carries very little…feeling. Whaboom says, “It’s not about winning, it’s about the world, brother.” They make faces at each other. It’s the lamest, schoolyard fight I’ve ever seen on reality TV.
Moving on…to a group date on The Ellen DeGeneres Show! The guys dance when they find out, and it’s not surprising that Tickle Monster has the worst moves.
The guys talk about who has kissed Rachel and who hasn’t. Tickle Monster confesses he’s surprised, but “maybe it was a kiss on the cheek.” He admits he hasn’t done that either. Yeah, because you tickle people without consent, you gross hand monster! She’s not going to kiss you.
Then Ellen asks the guys to take their shirts off and dance. Naturally, Hot Peter, the hottest man in the house, takes his shirt off with no problem. The room legit turns into Magic Mike 3. Nobody wants to dance with Tickle Monster; meanwhile, Alex goes for it:
Shirts back on, the guys play Never Have I Ever with Ellen. We learn fun things, like that Fred’s annoyed Rachel won’t let it go that he was a bad kid. Still, he’s deeply falling in love with her. And now that the other guys have kissed her, he’s ready to make a move.
Later, during cocktails, it’s a makeout party! Dunno if it was all the horny shirtless dancing or that they’re all feeling competitive over who has and hasn’t kissed Rachel, but whatever it is they’re all kissin’. But when it’s Fred’s turn for one-on-one time, he asks permission to smooch. Rachel tells him she feels awkward because men she dates “just do it.” But, honestly, why are we not celebrating that he asked for consent? Admittedly, the moment feels off. He’s way more into her, and he thinks he’s getting the rose, but…
Rachel asks Fred to walk with her, but it’s not to give him the group date rose. Instead, she’s kicking him off. Was the kiss that bad? The group date rose goes to Alex. So yeahhhh, this was based off the shirtless dancing.
Back at the mansion, Eric talks about how he wants her to be more emotionally vulnerable. Foreshadowing!
It’s one-on-one date time with Anthony, and they are…horseback riding on Rodeo Drive for some reason? (Producers, are you OK? What’s going on in your heads?) Fans walking by scream, “IT’S RACHEL!!!!!!!!!!!!” when they see her, and that is the appropriate response. Anthony and Rachel literally take the horses into stores. Are they going to Pretty Woman with the horses? “BIG mistake! Huge!”
Turns out, it is a big mistake! Huge! because the horses poop all over the nice stores. Gross.
Poop aside, Anthony gets the date rose. At the house, Eric is still upset about…stuff? The guys get a group date invite, and it reads, “Sometimes in relationships, women have to take charge.” Somebody in the room shouts, “Yes, please!” K.
Turns out, the group date involves Raven, Corinne, Jasmine, and Alexis! They’re planning the day, and the first order of business is demanding the guys dance on a pole in their party bus. Seems like the theme of this episode is Magic Mike. Meanwhile, on the bus, Bryce and Lee make sure to throw Eric under the bus to Raven. The group arrives at “The Cowboy Palace,” which sounds like a delight. And the date is…MUD WRESTLING. So, yes, the theme of this episode is horny.
The mud pit looks like it’s filled with the horse poo from Rodeo Drive, something I truly believe the producers are not above doing.
The guys all remind us that Kenny is a real wrestler, as if we could ever forget. They’re all scared of him, obviously. For the second time this episode, Rachel is excited about seeing the men topless.
First up is Brady vs. Bryce. Bryce wins, but Brady scores for best hair.
Corinne is very into watching Kenny beat a man so badly, I’m worried for his back and his life. Typical Corinne.
Seriously, Kenny looks like The Thing from Fantastic Four, but somehow, Bryce wins the match against him. It kind of seems like Kenny let him? How else do we explain him losing?
While the guys clean up via a hose in the back, Ravel tells Rachel that the guys said Eric isn’t here for the right reasons. Later, Kenny reveals he used to be a dancer in Vegas, which seems about right for this episode. Then he shows Rachel his moves, because obviously. She is into it, for sure.
When Rachel and Eric talk, she names names. HERE COMES THE DRAMA. Eric goes to confront Bryce and Lee, and they sit around the fire in their scarves and whine at each other for a bit. Even with the drama, Eric gets the group date rose.
Later, at the rose ceremony, Iggy tattles on Eric to Rachel, too. But at least he confronts Eric after to tell him why he did. Lee is a bit more of a snake about it.
So now Rachel has to confront Eric again. He’s understandably upset and screams at the guys about it. They all act shocked, and…TO BE CONTINUED.
Next week on The Bachelorette: Lee is the worst!