The 687 month long election is finally over and, just as President Obama said, the sun has come up again (kudos to the Big Guy for getting something right for once, btw). Sadly for so many celebrities, it rose on the wrong winner.
Hollywood was all in for Mrs. Clinton. This is because Hollywood is essentially the Democrat Borg: a hive mind that votes in sync. Resistance is futile, and usually career-threatening. This Borg block raises kajillions of dollars for the Democrat at the top of the ticket every four years. This is usually done at $10,000-a-plate dinners in Bel Air, where the plight of the working poor is discussed over foie gras served with dripping condescension.
There is also the fact that years of plastic surgery make most celebs look rather Borg-ish (think: Cher), but there is only so much we want to try to cover here today.
Speaking of Cher, she got her election party started WAY too early:
MOM CANT BELIEVE,SHE LIVED LONG ENOUGH 2SEE A WOMAN BECOME PRESIDENT OF????HILLARY’S GIVING MY 90YR Old
MOM,HOPE????MY MOM IS SO PROUD OF HILL????
— Cher (@cher) November 8, 2016
When the fact that we still have elections rather than coronations here in the United States, poor Cher began lashing out:
IMBECILE GARY JOHNSON
BRINGS DOWN??BECAUSE OF
NARCISSISM & IGNORANCE ??JILL YOURE WORTHLESS ??WELD U COULD HAVE SAVED US,WHY DIDNT YOU??
— Cher (@cher) November 9, 2016
Cher’s babbling, emoji-filled night was typical of most in Hollywood, but she’s an incoherent emojifest on most nights anyway. Lena Dunham seems to have taken it all a little harder, however. She pretty much disappeared after this premature victory lap:
I love you all! Tonight we make history! I may or may not wear a bow.
— Lena Dunham (@lenadunham) November 8, 2016
Dunham gained notoriety for being naked a lot on an HBO show but she has really elevated her profile by saying and doing a lot of really stupid things when she’s on on set. She’s a bit of an attention seeker, which is not unusual for actors, but she takes it to (often visually) disturbing levels.
If you took Miley Cyrus’s shock value, subtracted the talent, then multiplied it by about 15 more Miley Cyruses to get the scale right, you would have Lena Dunham.
Dunham’s relatively minor celebrity went to her head when she, like so many actual celebrities, threatened to leave the United States if Donald Trump was elected. The difference between Dunham and Cher or Jon Stewart is that we could probably whip together a quick crowdfunding effort, rent a U-Haul, and ship the sassy lass northward to Canada to help her fulfill her promise and no one would really notice.
OK, Canada would notice but they have a lot a space up there. Dunham could simply be absorbed into the tundra (a thing I just made up) and left to live a blissful, President Trump-free life. If any of the other celebs on the list want to join her, they can start a commune. Call it “Camp Tantrum” or something.
If Donald Trump really is going to deport people willy-nilly once he becomes president, my greatest desire at the moment is that he begins with these diaper-soiling millionaire crybabies who stink up the room when elections don’t go their way.
My second greatest desire at the moment is a cheese log, but I’d rather not have the government involved in my food.
Heck, if President Trump can work with Congress to pass legislation that legally binds celebrities to expatriate themselves (sounds dirty but isn’t) after promising to do so, I’ll support ending term limits just so he can keep running until that toilet is flushed.
The moose are calling, Lena Dunham. Please don’t disappoint us. Flee to your safe space and frolic. You can do America a real solid by taking Spike Lee with you before he makes another movie. Bring Amy Schumer along for warmth.
Whatever you and your celebrity friends decide to do to assuage your electoral grief, the rest of us will support.
As long as you leave.
Stephen Kruiser is a professional stand-up comic and writer who has had the honor of entertaining U.S. troops all over the world.