We’ve gotten to the point where every idea in the world has already been turned into a movie or television show. Your story where a telekinetic rubber tire rolls itself around town and murders people? Already done. That half-baked screenplay where you have no idea where the story is going but you know it ends in the dad butt-fucking his son in a drug-induced craze? Yeah, you ain’t original.
I’d tell you to try again, but what’s the point? Like I said, everything’s already been done, just like how the new Hunger Games television show is a blatant rip-off of the Hunger Games books and movies, but better. Why better? Well, for starters we won’t have to watch Jennifer Lawrence scream, cry, and eventually phone it in through four movies. Also people can actually die.
That’s right – murder is on the menu tonight.
According to Siberian Times, “Game 2: Winter” (gee whiz, could you try any harder marketing department?) will be broadcast over the internet starting in July. 30 people, 15 women and 15 men, will be stranded on a large island in Russia’s Ob River and try to survive for nine months as temperatures drop as low as -58 °F, with one of the rules stating that “everything is allowed. Fighting, alcohol, murder, rape, smoking, anything.” So if you love getting high while stabbing your neighbor in the head with one hand as you fight another guy with your other hand all while you’re raping some other random third party (they said “everything is allowed,” and for all I know you have a bit of a bestiality problem) and chugging a bottle of goose…this is your nirvana.
Show organizers did note, however, that should any Russian laws be broken “punishment will follow according to Russian Criminal Code.”
Translation: You can still get arrested, but the people running the show are cool with it.
Translation of the translation: There are approximately 5,000,000 other worse things going on in Russia currently and I doubt police will give a fuck about a bunch of people with death wishes trying to kill each other in the woods. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes – don’t come crying home when a bear tries to eat you.
Just who exactly is dumb enough to willingly sign up for this show? Lots of people – but these are the hottest girls:
Marie Kit, 33 years old and from Russia. She works as a travel agent and is deathly allergic to the cold, bears and freeze dried food. Marie did not think this decision through.
Natalya Semenova, 31 years old and from Kazakhstan. Her parents wanted her to have an arranged marriage and pop out a bunch of grandchildren before they died, but in an effort to gain more Instagram followers she told them to fuck off and instead signed up for likely and imminent death.
Oksana Shiganova, 28 years old and from Russia. Oksana’s career is listed as “driver,” which is funny because there’s no way in hell she should be driving. No, that’s not a “women are bad drivers” joke, that’s a “There are no less than 1,000,000 clips online of people in Russia chugging vodka with their feet hanging out the window in the driver’s seat of a car on the Internet” joke — check your privilege.
Irina Agisheva, 30 years old and from Russia. Sorry Irina, but out of the four of you I’m willing to bet you’re the first to die since you’re the cutest. Real life isn’t a horror movie, so logically the only black contestant they have on the show will make it to the end, and all the attractive white people will either: A. Dip out on day one once they realize this isn’t a cushy Siberia edition of Real World, or B. Realize they do this kind of shit back home in Russia without fear of imminent murder and rape lurking over their shoulder at all times and also dip. This will leave only the white people we all wanted to see die anyway, which is fine by me – cut the filler and let’s get this shit filming, baby!