Every year I sit through Thanksgiving wondering if I can stab a fork through my eye and make it look like enough of an accident that they’ll send me to the hospital, but at the same time not throw me in a psych ward. Because at the end of the day, I’d rather spend Thanksgiving watching Seinfeld reruns on a 13″ television from the 90’s than with my actual family.
But that’s not meant as a knock to my family — they’re great! They put up with my shit. They pay for dinner when we go out to eat. Sometimes my dad will even harass me (rightfully so) about reimbursing him for my part of our cell phone plan. One year I choked on a piece of spaghetti and blacked out. It wasn’t enough to put me in the hospital, but those 30 seconds I don’t remember from dinner were wonderful.
“What kind of American eats spaghetti on Thanksgiving? What are you, some sort of limp-dick Mussolini knob-slobber?” is what you’re wondering, OR, if you’re more casual about your food like I am, “Damn, I wish my family ate spaghetti on Thanksgiving!” But either way, my response is the same:
Thanksgiving is the most overrated holiday of the year — period.
Out of all the holidays in the year Thanksgiving is in the bottom three, right there with Christmas and St. Patrick’s Day, albeit for different reasons. To prove my point, try to think of your FAVORITE Thanksgiving.
No seriously, try.
Try harder. Your lack of effort is why we have participation medals in this country, goddammit!
Done trying? Yeah, that’s because you COULDN’T think of the “Best Thanksgiving You Ever Had™,” because it doesn’t exist. They’re all the same.
Every year you either get the dreadful pleasure of going to a relative’s house, or you get stuck having everyone at YOUR house. If you like your family, this probably doesn’t sound so bad — and don’t get me wrong, my family is fine. Like, given the choice between choking on a loaf of bread or hanging out with my aunt for a few hours, I’d choose the option that doesn’t imply eventual death; but last year my aunt made Swedish meatballs that tasted like they could’ve been the final challenge on an episode of Fear Factor, so I’m sorry Aunt Amy, but I’m gonna have to go with the loaf of bread on this one.
But the biggest “blah” about Thanksgiving isn’t being stuck with extended family for an extended period of time. It’s not the hours of driving you gotta do at weird hours of the night and morning just to avoid holiday traffic, and it’s not the fact that we’re basically celebrating the fact that the pilgrims almost wiped out an entire race of people because “You found it first, but second is the best now get off my land” (which, by the way, no one cares about in the first place unless they’re a Native American, and even then my Native American friends chow down on turkey like the rest of us. This line is only used by whiny millennials who feel the need to point out depressing shit on happy days so they sound worldly and educated. Sure, we collectively murdered a bunch of indigenous peoples, but you had a meltdown when the grocery store was out of avocado because you wanted to eat it on toast later for brunch. Who eats avocado on toast? Put some butter on it you fucking turd.)
No — it’s the food.
Fuck yeah, I said it. Fucking fight me over it you pussies.
This isn’t going to be popular, and I really don’t fucking care because I’ve never been popular. I’ve never been considered “cool” and I can’t remember the last time someone threw me a high-five and said “Catch ya on the flippity-flip!” (that’s what cool people say, right…? I wouldn’t know.) All I know is that the food on Thanksgiving sucks, and that all the naysayers can’t say otherwise.
You know why?
Because y’all don’t eat any of that shit any other time of the year.
-Insert moment of silence for people wracking their brains for the last time they ate turkey, letting them realize it was last Thanksgiving and then flipping them the bird once they realize I’m right-
Yeah THAT’S WHAT I THOUGHT. On the best possible Thanksgiving, where the moon is full and the weather is mild and your shithead cousins from Bumblefuck, VA haven’t downed the entire bowl of crab dip before you got a taste, your Thanksgiving turkey isn’t dry. In fact it’s delicious because you deep fried it this year like some sort of goddamn genius; even Albert Einstein cooked his in the oven.
But most Thanksgivings? NAH. That shit is drier than my vagina when I walked in on my boyfriend watching Sex in the City 2, and don’t get me started on that sandpaper sensation when he blurted out “Well, the first one wasn’t bad, so I figured why not?” I’ll admit, the one year we fried our turkey it was the tits, but we almost set our deck on fire and burned the house down in the process. Is good food worth burning your house down? Depends on how shitty your house is. If you live in a trailer park then by all means, light that bitch up! But in good conscience I cannot condone homelessness just for an edible turkey, so the rest of you whose homes are not parked on cinder blocks? Yeah, y’all are stuck this year. If turkey was so goddamn great we’d eat it the other 364 days of the year. No, sliced deli turkey does not count; I’m talking about cooking the entire bird. Instead everyone eats chicken, not only because it doesn’t come out as dry as an ashed cigarette, but because it tastes better. If chicken was the centerpiece of every Thanksgiving feast, we would not be having this conversation.
Turkey isn’t the only worthless food on Thanksgiving though — cranberry sauce, string bean casserole, pumpkin pie, potato gratin — literally pointless. If this shit is so great then why don’t I see you eating it in April, or in mid-August? I love me some Wendy’s Baconators, but I don’t restrict myself to only eating them once a year. If you REALLY enjoy a food, you will eat it all the time and not just when you’re pretending to enjoy being around family for 3+ hours one night out of the year. In fact, every person who comments on this rant telling me how wrong I am better be eating turkey at least once a month WHICH I KNOW YOU AREN’T BECAUSE NO ONE DOES THAT.
Don’t lie to yourself. We’re friends. Friends are honest with each other because there are good ships and wood ships, ships that sail the sea, but the best ships are friendships and that’s what we’ll always be!
I will concede one point though — the leftovers? Dry as fuck turkey between two slices of bread smothered in mayonnaise, while it sounds disgusting, is legitimately delicious. Throw a tomato on that baby and I’m happy. Yet scooping yourself a ramekin of cold white jizz to dip your turkey in at Thanksgiving dinner is still, for some reason, frowned upon in my house.
So until dipping food into mayonnaise becomes an acceptable eating habit, I gotta stand by my gut — and my gut is telling me, sorry but not sorry — Thanksgiving is real fucking overrated.