Three Months After Almost All Celebrities Left America: Where Are They Now?

Three months after the historic election of Donald J. Trump as President of the United States, America continues to express its shock and grief at the loss of almost all its celebrities. This should not be a surprise to anyone – after all, most of them very openly threatened to leave forever if the American people chose Donald Trump as their president, and Americans simply decided they didn’t care.

Now it’s on all of us. We had it coming. After all, when a celebrity says something about politics, just like you know it will always be true and super clever, you know that they really mean it!

So as the nation continues to deal with having been almost totally emptied of promise-keeping anti-Trump celebrities for two months now, utterly devastating the Vapid-Entertainment and Shallow-Fashion industries among many others, we thought we’d take a look at 13 of the celebrities who had vocally and seriously promised to quit the USA if Trump won, and see how they’re doing in the places they had promised they would go to and thus obviously did.

We’ve organized it by order of country of emigration so, obviously, Canada is the biggest and most popular choice, with the most exiled celebrities having fled there to escape the horrors of Trump’s presidency just like they promised.

1. Neve Campbell

Being from Canada originally, it was a no-brainer for Campbell to return here, fleeing from President Trump because she was “terrified of his honesty.” The star of profound think-pieces like “Party of Five” and the “Scream” movies, and the Democrat fantasy fairy-tale “House of Cards”, she has begun to readjust in the frozen North, where she will soon be starring in a CBC drama about a female Mountie’s relationship with the polar bear she has to hunt down.

2. Bryan Cranston

Not a Canadian by birth, Cranston had a much harder time being granted asylum by Canadian authorities (a process that, by tradition, involves being ritually bathed in maple syrup). He also failed the mandatory French test five times. However, always willing to come back from adversity and determined not to break the promise he swore, to leave America forever if Trump won, he has pushed through. He has translated his difficulties into a new program on French-language Radio-Canada: “Briser dans la mauvaise,” about an American High-school teacher forced to give illegal underground English classes in Quebec to survive as a refugee from Trump’s America.

3. Lena Dunham

In spite of her initial confidence about how wonderful Canada would be, Lena Dunham has had more difficulty than most to adjusting to her new life in Vancouver. In the first place, the rocky terrain around the city made it difficult for her to find a place to dig up and install herself into, and the lower population density and colder weather has made it much harder for her to get by. She has found herself forced her to wait much longer periods in order to ensnare passers-by in her tentacles to drag them into her stomach where they’ll be slowly dissolved over a thousand years.

4. Miley Cyrus

Profound political thinker Miley Cyrus has also had real difficulty adjusting to keeping her promise to move to Canada if Trump won. She had announced on Instagram that if he won she was definitely leaving and that “I don’t say things I don’t mean” so she had no choice but to do so. Unfortunately, the aging star has been unable to find work or even notoriety, as she’s already well past the age to be hired for “Degrassi” (the only Canadian show by law which is allowed to star anyone under the age of 43). Also, the grotesque sexual antics she used for getting attention in the United States by annoying religious conservatives doesn’t actually translate in Godless Canada. She was last seen on a Toronto street corner with a sign offering to stick out her tongue and hump a novelty object for food.

5. Chloe Sevigny

One of the most tragic cases of the Canadian celebrity refugees, Sevigny moved to Nova Scotia, exactly as she’d promised she’d do. The “American Horror”/”Big Love” star and fashion icon had hoped to get into the Nova Scotian fashion scene, but was apparently not aware that almost all of Nova Scotia’s fashion industry consists of overweight bearded men wearing kilts. On entering the showroom for the first time, the sheer amount of plaid gave Chloe a seizure and she’s been in a catatonic state ever since. Canadian Prime Minister Justin Zoolander has assured the country that he’s spending all of his time working on “his newest look” which he hopes will wake Chloe up.

6. Barbra Streisand

Barbra Streisand uttered a dire prophecy last year: if Donald Trump were to win the election and (as expected) invoke the powers of the Ancient God Kek to banish her from the USA at long last, she would move to Australia, or if she was thwarted there, to Canada.

Fortunately for Australia, their government took immediate action and created a magical seal around their entire country with the help of a variety of Aboriginal medicine men and Byron Bay hippies. Unfortunately for Canada, they did not, and Streisand slipped through the unprotected border under the November full moon before transforming into Mecha-Streisand to begin her trail of destruction. I guess they should have built some kind of protective wall.

Streisand is currently in a semi-dormant state in the ruins of the city of Calgary, Alberta. She entered dormancy after being disappointed at finding that city had already been almost completely destroyed before her arrival, by Alberta’s socialist provincial government.

7. Raven-Symone

Former child star and current pasta-impersonator Raven-Symone had actually upped the ante last year, when she’d promised that she’d leave the country if ANY Republican won the election, not just Donald Trump! She even swore on her former comedy show “The View” that she’d already bought her tickets!

So of course, when Trump won she left immediately for Canada, never looking back. Unlike some of the other celebrity refugees, she has obtained immediate success in Canada, where as a black lesbian feminist who hates conservatives and says almost anything that comes into her head, she fulfilled every single quota condition for becoming a member of Prime Minister Justin Zoolander’s cabinet.

She was sworn in as Canada’s newest Minister for Internet Censorship.

Besides Canada, some celebrities had promised to flee to other areas of the world (or even off world), and of course totally followed through with that:

8/9. Chelsea Handler and Amy SchumerSpain

Chelsea Handler had stated, before Trump’s victory, that she had already bought a house “just in case” Trump won and that unlike “all those people that threaten to leave the country and then don’t, I will leave the country.” Unfortunately for Handler (who once made fun of Melania Trump’s English in spite of the First Lady being fluent in six languages to Handler’s zero), the first house she bought was in Nicaragua, and she doesn’t know where Nicaragua is.

She then got another house in Spain, and managed to move there with some help from Amy Schumer, who had also promised to move to Spain.

Schumer, whose promise to leave if Trump won was considered responsible for giving Trump at least one million more votes, has reportedly been having trouble in her new country, and is temporarily living in the shed behind Handler’s home. Apparently Schumer’s lack of skill in Spanish has made it extremely difficult for her to steal any jokes to use in her acts, leaving her with no discernible skills whatsoever.

10. Samuel L. JacksonAfrica

Samuel L. Jackson had promised to move to South Africa if Donald Trump won the election so naturally he did not break his word, and flew out almost immediately. Tragically for everyone concerned, the rest of the flight was mostly booked by members of the Johannesburg Herpetological Society. There were no survivors.

11. George LopezMexico

George Lopez was notable as being the ONLY Hollywood celebrity who promised to actually go to Mexico if Trump won. The superstar of such sophisticated cultural films as “Beverly Hills Chihuahua 2” ran into some initial difficulty finding his way around his adopted homeland due to not actually being Mexican (he was born and raised in the United States). Things became more difficult for him when he realized that his “humor,” based entirely on his being Mexican, would not actually work in Mexico (not that it worked in the United States, either).

He was last seen complaining to some narco-gangsters about how awful and backward Mexico is, how hard it is to make a living there, and how much he wished he could somehow sneak back into the United States where he could get back to receiving money for no actual effort on his part.

12/13. Cher & Jon StewartJupiter

When Jon Stewart said he’d move if Trump won, someone asked him where, he said “to another planet because (if Trump wins) clearly this planet’s gone bonkers.” Lucky for him septuagenarian “music” star Cher also had the exact same idea! She had promised that if Donald Trump was elected president, she would move to Jupiter.

True to their words, both Stewart and Cher boarded a Tesla brand rocket to Jupiter the day after Trump’s victory. Unfortunately, being celebrities, neither of them had the slightest inkling that with current technology, a trip to Jupiter takes well over 5 years of flight time. As of the latest garbled transmission from their rocket, it appears that Cher has killed and eaten Stewart, and used his skin for some form of makeshift plastic surgery.

Note: this article is obviously comedic. However, the locations, promises to follow through, and other statements by the worthless lying celebrities in this article were all real. As of this writing, not one of them has followed through on their threats/promises to leave the country.

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