Vegan Fails Miserably At Trying To Save Animals And Screws Herself Over To Boot

There’s nothing wrong with being a vegan. No skin off mine or anyone’s ass if you don’t like eating meat, and as long as you don’t throw away my groceries I couldn’t give less of a fuck. But.


Most vegans don’t stop at simply refusing to eat meat. Most vegans are pretentious, entitled and have an air of snobbery that’s only topped by Lena Dunham at a Planned Parenthood rally. Take 26-year-old Judith Armstrong, for example. Judith was driving down the highway in her sedan when she saw a truck filled with live chickens. Now, any normal human being say, for example, you and I, would continue driving and maybe stop at a McDonald’s for some McNuggets after being reminded how delicious chicken is after seeing the truck. Judith, thinking that she’s above the rules of the road and general common sense, decided to crash into it.


Via Madison County Sherriff’s Department

The New York Post notes that upon intentionally smashing into the truck a second time, she managed to spin out in front and cut it off from moving forward. Her car now mangled, Judith fled the scene as the truck driver pulled over to call 911. But, because Judith is a vegan and thereby not exactly the brightest bulb in the box, she managed to leave behind her license plate at the scene of the crash. Not that I’d think she’d have the mind to ever get it in the first place, but even a stopped clock is right twice a day…except this case, Judith runs on military time. Whoops.

When officers arrived at her home, Judith told officers that she hadn’t been drinking before the crash, but that she had “a couple of shots” after she got home. Riiiiiight. Just like how I only had “a couple of chips” from the appetizer platter and therefore I shouldn’t have to throw dollars towards it. Just like how I only had “a couple of Thin Mints” from my roommate’s magically empty box of cookies. Clearly, in both cases I am the asshole who ate 60% of the appetizer platter and an entire goddamn box of Thin Mints by myself stoned off my ass at three in the morning, but at the end of the day the only cops knocking at my door are the morality ones, and I threaten to spray them with mace anyway.

In the end, no one bought Judith’s “That’s not my car, that’s not my license plate and I totally starting downing these tequila shots the moment I pulled my car key out of the ignition” story, and she was arrested for hit-and-run, aggressive driving, driving under the influence and obstruction. She was released on a $5,250 bond.

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