Woman Arrested After Allegedly Stealing 188 Items From Cemetery To Decorate Home

Lisa Corcoran, a Vienna Township woman was arrested this week after stealing one hundred and eighty eight items from two local cemeteries to decorate her home.

Just out of frame, a couch made out of coffins (probably).

Corcoran is accused of stealing flowers, memorial objects and a hand made bench worth close to five hundred dollars. She was charged with larceny, or is it grave larceny?

It’s regular larceny. I just wanted to work a grave larceny joke in there. Sorry!

The local sheriff described the crime to reporters as a “new low” and he continued, “to steal from the dead is an unimaginable act that defies description.” Corcoran was caught after someone saw a car filled with flower arrangements exiting an area cemetery. Witnesses have reported that items have gone missing from the area cemeteries since April 1st which is either when Corcoran started her alleged crime spree or that’s just the day that the dead started pulling pranks on the living.

April Fools!

Though stealing from a cemetery sounds like a terrible crime, I think Corcoran is onto something. Those corpses won’t mind if we steal their flowers, pictures or even tombstones. Heck, I have an empty closet and a living room that could use refurbishing. Why can’t I just drive down to the local cemetery and start robbing the dead of their clothes? Also, how cool would a dining room table made out of tombstones be? Pretty cool if you ask me!

Man, I have a very busy weekend of digging ahead of me.

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