Would You Pay $900 For This Toilet Paper?

Joseph’s Toiletries out of Switzerland has made some headlines since the Oscars with their expensive, luxury toilet paper.  Clocking in at just under $900 US per roll, it’s the most expensive toilet paper in the world and more costly than a decent weekend trip to Vegas.  But why?

To start, Joseph’s send’s their paper, which isn’t rolled but in flat sheets,  in an artistic holder designed by Swiss artist Bagno Sasso Mobili who we have to assume is a real human based on their word only.  The paper also comes with a soothing lotion spray you’re meant to apply to each sheet before use, for that extra level of comfort.  Here’s a video which should make it super clear for you.

That lady is so stoked to drop a deuce. 

The makers claim the paper has a “dendritic structure” that makes it more absorbent than regular paper.  As far as we can tell, that means “tree-like” and is usually a way to describe crystalline structures in metallurgy, but it could also apply to toilet paper.  Why not?  And absorbency is good for the rich man who has a serious case of the dribble shits.

According to the site “JOSEPH’S Toiletries is the most soothing and absorbent toilet paper in the world. Each individual sheet is a multi-layered microcosm of form and function constructed with comfort and cleanliness in mind.

‘Tender virgin new-growth fibres are refined with a provitamin B5 and essential mineral coating to provide maximum skin protection even in dry use.”  They go on to say the spray lotion they provide is pH balanced specifically for your butt and includes ingredients like glacier water and other things your pucker would probably enjoy.

The paper itself looks like a stack of gift wrapped face cloths, though the site guarantees they’re fully flushable, and why would anyone lie about the flushability of $900 shit tickets?

The spray also “balances, restores and regenerates” for those wicked poops that just lay waste to your backdoor and you’re positive you’ll never recover from.  Seems like Joseph’s understands some of us enjoy our hot wings and tequila nights but have never been adequately able to deal with the aftermath.

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