5 Bullsh*t Weight Loss Studies You’ll Want To Believe!

Remember the “Subway Diet” when Jared said eating Subway sandwiches every day made him lose weight? Yeah I tried “The Subway Diet” and it turns out that eating a foot long bacon, cheddar, ranch chicken sandwich with extra cheese and mayonnaise every day still made me a fat fuck. I was lied to! Gee, I thought eating a foot of processed meat would help me get trim! This was the second worst thing Jared from Subway has ever done.

To be fair, it’s not just pedophile sandwich shop pitchmen that make bold claims when it comes to diets and foods that can help you shed pounds. And I’m not talking about fad diets. I totally get the motivation behind fad diets designed to trick obese people with too much lard on their brain into spending money on quasi cultish programs to lose weight.  I’m talking about the constant articles we are bombarded with from “scientists” and “doctors” who want us to believe that if we start eating eggs and fatty pig lips we will just “SHED the pounds!”

This is AMERICA where the only thing we love more than stuffing our bloated faces is weird bullshit ways to try and convince ourselves that we are eating healthy. You want to figure out what you should be eating to lose weight? Try a piece of fruit, genius!

1. Beer Can Help You Lose Weight!

If you’re like me there is nothing you love more than washing down a greasy cheeseburger with a cold beer. Only traditionally drinking lots of beer is how you get “a beer belly” and look like Homer Simpson got stung by a bee. Well now, one of these awesome weight loss studies says that drinking beer might actually keep your weight down. Now that six pack will really lead to a six pack! The good folks at Oregon State University gave mice a bunch of xanthohumol, which is found in hops and beer. The mice turned out to have 80 percent less cholesterol and gained 22 percent less weight than the mice who didn’t get dosed with the beer ingredient.

In other words time to quit the gym and head to the liquor store early for a keg of Fat Tire. That’s right, a craft beer! What is with the craft beer shaming? I love craft beer! You “manly men” can keep your 4 percent alcohol by volume piss water “beer.” I’m going to pound a delicious 9% abv Chocolate Raspberry Stout that is going to get me fucked up twice as fast. And now I’m going to lose weight pounding these elitist beers!

2.  Eat Chocolate To Lose Weight!



Hey chubby, take that fork full of salad out of your mouth right now and pick up a candy bar. There is an entire book that was published on how to eat chocolate and drop pounds. Lots of fun posts around the web picked up this story on how eating a piece of dark chocolate before and after dinner can help curb your appetite.  Somehow the scientists think if I just eat a little bit of chocolate it will stop me from wanting to eat an entire bag of M&M’s . That’s not how being a fat ass works!

3. Drinking Wine Before Bed Helps You Lose Weight!

If you are more of a wine drinker than a beer person, this could be the way to go. I drink my wine fresh from the box, so when I read this amazing study that Washington State University put out saying that drinking wine before bed actually helps burn calories, I was excited. The chemical resveratrol found in wine helps convert “white fat” into “beige fat” which is less bad for you.  All this sciencey crap apparently leads to making you slimmer. They suggest two glasses of wine before bed. Hey, if you say so. I’m not an alcoholic, I’m a health nut!

4. Eat Bacon To Lose Weight!



If there is one way to get our fat fingers to click on an Internet article it’s to talk about bacon! That is why the idea of a bacon eating weight loss method appeals so broadly. So lots of folks have claimed that a great way to lose weight. The Harvard School of Public Health even says that Americans should eat more fatty food like bacon, just like our ancestors who didn’t suffer from the modern heart disease epidemic that we have today. Makes sense to me, HARVARD! However medical professionals and the “scientists” don’t have a consensus on this. Sound familiar? So time to eat that BLT, hold the L and the T.  

5. Eat An Ice Cream Diet!

Ice Cream weight loss? Baskin Robins is getting desperate.   

A recent study showed that people who took a calcium supplement lost 26 percent more weight and 38 percent more fat than those who didn’t while trying to lose weight. To do this you need to consume 1200 to 1300 milligrams of calcium a day. You know what is a good source of calcium? Fucking ice cream! So now the genius doctors are suggesting that we eat a small bowl of ice cream at least once of day to get our calcium and SHED the pounds. Someone even wrote a book called “The Ice Cream Diet’ – they should get together with the chocolate diet book guy to sell it as a combo pack. Again, they think that we can stop at a small portion of Chubby Hubby. That’s not how being a fat ass works!

What is the dumbest weight loss method you have ever tried?!

Follow Phil Haney on Twitter @PhilHaney

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