Gluten-Free, Tastefully Nude Predictions for 2017

In theory, 2016 is coming to an end. Judging by a lot of the complaining seen on Twitter and Facebook, there is going to be a hangover. If the dead could talk, people who lived through the Plague, the American Civil War, or New Coke would mock those who are emotionally crumbling from the events of the past 12 months. The year itself is evening mocking them by hanging around a little longer than a normal year

Those who feel that they have “survived” 2016 generally fall into two camps when it comes to 2017: “ZOMG TRUMP WILL KILL US” or “It has to get better, right?” 

As someone who didn’t view 2016 as an ongoing existential crisis, I’m not laying any heavy expectations on its successor. If you ask a year for too much, it falls apart from the pressure. Just ask 2000. 

Looking ahead, I see no reason to believe that 2017 won’t just piggyback onto the weirdness of 2016 and keep screwing with people who think that arbitrary calendar designations have it in for them. So here is my crystal ball take on what is in store. 

1. President Trump Signs Executive Order to Resurrect George Michael

Shortly after his Inauguration Day luncheon, President Donald Trump will issue an executive order to bring the recently deceased George Michael back from the dead, citing an extraordinary kinship between their 1980s hair. When the press tells the president that he doesn’t have the power to bring people back from the grave, Trump replies, “Failing losers never learn! SAD!” 

Shortly thereafter, a Wham! reunion is announced for Trump’s 2020 inauguration. 

2. Over Breakfast One Morning, All of America Finally Realizes that “The Walking Dead” Sucks

Never in television history has a show had such a devoted fan base that did nothing but bitch about each episode. I tried to get into TWD a couple of years ago. Three episodes in, I was rooting for a power outage in my home. 

It’s not just that the main characters are dumber than the zombies, it’s that they have less personality too. Security cam footage of a lint roller is more scintillating. The lint roller offers the added bonus of not being a train wreck of poor choices. 

After every new episode of TWD, social media is dominated for the next 24 hours by fan complaints. The political site Hot Air even features a weekly “Grumble Thread” about the show. My friends who watch the show religiously have nothing nice to say about it. It has become the Stockholm Syndrome of entertainment. 

That all ends over bacon and Bloody Marys soon.

3. Running Out of Things to be Outraged About, Social Justice Warriors Begin to Spontaneously Combust 

The SJWs have really upped their outrage game in the past couple of years, The reality-challenged dears have managed to find racism, sexism, and rape in weather, technology, and Christmas music, respectively. The problem is that they haven’t been pacing themselves, and will soon run out of things to be mad at. 

Unlike their counterparts from the 1960s, today’s SJW’s have no outlets for their chronically pissed-off condition. The anti-war crowd from yesteryear was just mad at the one thing, then they’d hit the drugs and have casual sex. Not that I am condoning that, but it probably took the edge off. The modern version are just outrage junkies, constantly in search of a fix. At the current pace, virtually everything will have been declared racist/sexist/rape before summer, at which point mass ‘splodeyhead will ensue, and there will be no more safe spaces. 

4. The NFL Will Ban Tackling, Replacing it with “The Grievous Waving of the Hankies” 

Emboldened by the fact that NFL fans haven’t yet marched on his house with torches and pitchforks, commissioner Roger Goodell will finally implement his dream of removing all contact from professional football. Tackling will be replaced by a defender reaching into a deep, brightly colored satchel, pulling out a soft blue handkerchief, waving it in the ball carrier’s face and saying, “I deny thee, good sir!” Should the ball carrier step past the defender before the hanky is out, he is free to proceed. Hankies can’t be removed until the ball carrier is within a prescribed “Zone of Manly Interaction” near the defender. Once the ball carrier has passed, hanky-ing from behind will be prohibited as the surprise could injure feelings. 

5. Kanye West Reveals that He is Actually Andy Kaufman

Completing a brilliant, nearly 40-year long piece of performance art, Andy Kaufman confirms conspiracy theories that his death was just an act and that Kanye West is his greatest character yet. Kaufman explains that only Bob Zmuda and Kim Kardashian were privy to the plan, the latter having been groomed for the role since she was 21. Asked why he finally decided to come forth, Kaufman said he was tired of having to stay in shape and that he desperately wanted to flee before Kris Jenner gave him actual cancer. 

6. Hillary Clinton Disappears in the Woods Forever

The woman who would be president has been easing her post-election pain by wandering aimlessly in the woods which, by the way, also happens to be a fairly succinct description of her campaign. It’s almost certain that her, um, husband encourages these exercise sessions whenever the cleaning lady, interns, or female Domino’s drivers show up. One crisp spring day in 2017, Mrs. Clinton will tell her assistant to grab a box of wine, a bag of Funyuns, and a 12-gauge shotgun, which is what they usually bring on their little walkabouts. Into the woods they will go, never to return. The next morning, Bill Clinton will awake to find that his bank accounts have been cleaned out and the missus hasn’t returned. 

That same morning, it is discovered that the recently-returned Andy Kaufman is nowhere to be found. 

Happy New Year, everyone. 


Stephen Kruiser is a professional stand-up comic and writer who has had the honor of entertaining U.S. troops all over the world.

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