Mike Pence Lets His Freak Flag Fly

Mike Pence is doing something that vice presidents generally aren’t supposed to do: he’s making the public aware of his presence.

Typically, Number Two just hangs around a lot and pondering the fact that he is just one unfortunate incident away from being the most powerful man on Earth. After he’s wrapped his head around that, he then devotes his energy to pretending that he sincerely hopes nothing bad happens to Number One, which can take some effort for a man of ambition.

Pence, however, has had a busy few months. Because this presidency is not quite like others and the press is awake for the first time in eight years, Pence has had a far greater profile in his early days as vice president than his predecessor did. During the first one hundred days of the Obama administration in 2009, by contrast, Joe Biden spent most of his time having the Secret Service try to explain to him that the Lego pieces he brought to work every day were a choking hazard.

Pence, on the other hand, has been busy adjusting to an office that has suddenly been imbued with powers never seen before, like the ability to commandeer a woman’s uterus:

When Pence isn’t seizing the uteruses (uteri…UTERATI) of American women, he’s electrocuting people. There’s no proof of that yet, but, hey, electrocuted people aren’t known for their communication skills.

When he’s not doing either of those things, he goes to church.

Face it, it’s a laundry list of things for the haters to hate.

Because the vice president decided to make a name for himself as an electroshocking uterus thief, the media decided to dig deeper into his life.

That’s when the real horror was uncovered.

Mike Pence tries to avoid embarrassing his wife.

The Washington Post unearthed this depravity in an article earlier in the week.

It was discovered that, in an effort to always appear above reproach, the vice president will not dine alone with women who aren’t his wife, nor will he attend events where there will be alcohol without her.

I know what you’re thinking: rape, right?

Someone in Canada thinks so, anyway.

We can dismiss that because Canada isn’t a real country.

Plenty of fiercely independent and empowered American women were appalled by Pence’s unwillingness to create appearances of impropriety that might reflect poorly on him, his wife, or their marriage. Not only is Pence’s lame Republican attempt at honoring wife disrespectful, it’s demeaning and objectifying:

Because walking vaginas are BAD.

Until they’re not.

Strong feminists encourage their men to interact with co-workers of the opposite sex. After all, what’s a little birthday greeting from the boss to the intern, right?

The self-assured, modern American woman knows that her husband needs to be able to act freely, and not limit himself on her account if she is going to have any self esteem at all.

The vice president’s neanderthal approach to marriage prompted a follow-up by The Washington Post that Jesussplained why his thoughtfulness isn’t very Christian.

Hey, it’s not just demeaning to women and not very Christian, all of this respect stuff may be illegal too.

If you young men out there want to avoid jail time and be successful in your relationships, concentrate on a lot of drunken nights out with women who aren’t your significant others. The more, the, um, feminister. Don’t emulate the happily married (and probably criminal) vice president of the United States. Keep behaving exactly as you did when you were a single college boy. Your wives/girlfriends will thank you for empowering them.

If you pull any of that prissy Mike Pence be-decent-to-your-wife crap then female journalists everywhere are going to mock you. Try to avoid shame, get shamed. LEARN HOW THIS WORKS, CHURCH BOY.

One thing is certain here: if Mike Pence keeps up this nonsense he can never hope to be as cool as John Edwards.

Eliot Spitzer could not be reached for comment.

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