PR Win! A Doctor Was Dragged, Kicking And Screaming Off Of A United Flight Today

In good P.R. news, today a nearly seventy-year-old doctor was dragged kicking and screaming off of a United Airlines flight.

Was this man a terrorist? Was he a danger to himself and others? Did he smell terrible? Nope! He committed the unthinkable crime of refusing to volunteer his flight to United employees. Airlines often overbook their flights, and United Airlines needed to ferry four of their employees to this flight’s destination city for work purposes. With no seats available, and no passenger willing to give up their seat, United decided to “volunteer” one of their passengers for them.

You keep using the word “volunteer” but I don’t think it means what you think it means.

The randomly selected man was noticeably upset. Instead of listening to this man’s pleas that he was a doctor and had patients to attend to in his home city, they did what any caring, lovable, customer-first corporation would do in 2017. They sent in police to drag the man kicking and screaming out of his seat, slamming his head into an armrest, knocking him unconscious and causing blood to poor out of his mouth in the process.

The face of good customer service.

Now while we all take a breather after hearing about this tragedy and prepare for the mammoth lawsuit that will surely result in this man owning United Airlines, it’s a good time to analyze what he could have done differently to prevent from being dragged out of this flight in a bloody mess.

Handcuff Himself To The Seat

He would have to have been a maniac or a genius to think this far ahead, but if he would have thought to handcuff himself to his seat before he was randomly selected, the cops surely would have picked some other passenger to dangerously heave out of the seat and knock unconscious against one of the plane’s metal arm guards.

Wear Heavier Clothes

It appears that this man was wearing a normal shirt and pants combo. If he was wearing a suit of armor, a shirt made of dumbells or pants made of freshly poured cement, the cops would have taken one look at him and decided “No, we’ll leave this heavy clothes-wearing man alone. Surely, there is someone else on this flight we can rip from their seat and seriously injure so that our employees may sit in their place.”

Cover Himself In Butter

Now, this would have been pretty gross, but if he covered himself in butter it would have been too hard for the cops to pull him out of his seat. Sure, they would have tried but once their fingers started slipping and his butter coated skin prevented them from finding a solid grip, they would have given up and plucked another innocent passenger out of their seat, beaten them to a pulp, and dragged them out of the plane.  

No matter what he could or could have done, one thing’s for sure. It must suck being on the United Airlines PR team right now.

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