Did you catch that brilliant The Bachelor parody on Saturday Night Live this weekend? The one that describes Arie like so, “He’s a race car driver who, depending on the light, is handsome. Which of the 12 Laurens will he choose to be his bride?” So good. So accurate. The part that really got me was the moment when Kate McKinnon’s character asks the “Car Hunk” if he’s been replaced by a completely different guy. (He has.) “Does it matter?” the not-Arie answers. No, it does not matter—which is why I’m asking you, ABC, one more time to replace Arie with someone else. It’s not too late! Just think about it.
For now, though, we must continue on with Arie’s journey. And oh, what a journey it is…to Lake Tahoe! But I’m getting ahead of myself: The episode actually starts with the women discussing Bekah’s age behind her back and whether or not she’s ready to get married. Crazy idea: Why not just ask her to her face? Their main concern is that she and Arie are 14 years apart, but that’s less her fault—we all know she’s really here for the inevitable Bachelor in Paradise casting—and more on the producers for picking a guy who hasn’t been on this show in five years. Krystal vows to be a “voice of reason” and a “voice of reality” if she must, and I have never believed something out of a person’s mouth less.
Before Krystal gets a chance to do whatever Krystal’s planning to do, Chris Harrison shows up to tell the women they’re all leaving Los Angeles and going to South Lake Tahoe, Nevada. We see a brief packing scene, but then the women all run out of the mansion in their sweats and lululemon with no bags in sight. Sucks to be whatever PA has luggage duty. Arie’s already in Nevada, standing on cliffs and checking into the Hard Rock Hotel. (Sponsorship alert!) The women are put up in a scenic cabin, which they run around screaming and racing for the best room. It’s very Ramona on Real Housewives of New York. Kendall is excited because there’s so much taxidermy, something she declares makes this “a setting for love.”
After lots of build up and dramatic music, it’s revealed that the first one-on-one date of the week goes to Seinne. She’s nervous because after the last one-on-one date, one of the Laurens did not return. But Seinne, you’ll be fine: You’re a Yale graduate, you are not named Lauren, and you will (probably) not spend the date talking about sleeping. Krystal is convinced that Seinne will go home, though she does not explain why she’s so confident.
Arie and Seinne’s date involves parasailing while the other women look on through binoculars. (Those producers can be so cruel sometimes.) You better believe there are some ham-fisted metaphors for love—apparently love and parasailing are both about “letting go” and “seeing where the wind takes you.” Back on land, Arie and Seinne sip champagne while she grills him about his life. Seriously…he does all the talking. Arie, I don’t care about your brother’s wedding or the outdoor scene in Scottsdale. Ask Seinne something about her surely much more fascinating life!
“I was like, wow, like, she’s very educated.” – Arie about Seinne
Back at the cabin, Maquel learns that her grandfather has passed away. She’s understandably upset, so she does the right thing: Packs her bags immediately and leaves. She’s off without even a goodbye to Arie, but Marikh thinks she could still come back after the funeral. This makes me wonder…does Marikh know this is a competition show? So somebody is here to make friends. After Maquel departs, a card arrives with the group date list: Chelsea, Krystal, Becca, Marikh, Ashley, Jacqueline, Jenna, Tia, Kendall, Lauren, Brittany, and Caroline are all going, meaning Bekah M. gets the next one-on-one date. Krystal, being Krystal, says some shady things about the other women.
“Arie’s looking for a woman, not a girl.” – Krystal and also Britney
Arie takes Seinne to a restaurant inside the Hard Rock Hotel…the same place where he’s staying. (Double sponsorship alert!)
During the date, Seinne says the most important thing we’ve heard on the series this season, maybe ever: “I learned at a very young age that love was difficult and complicated and there could be heartbreak. In addition to that, you know, I’m a black female, and they don’t tell a lot of stories about girls like me having the fairy tale ending. So, we’ll see if I get that happy ending here.” YES. THIS IS WHY WE NEED MORE PEOPLE OF COLOR ON THIS SHOW. Rachel Lindsay was just a start, not a solution.
She tells Arie this, and he says some things as bland as his potato face. When he gives her the rose, he says he hopes this can be the start of their love story. She accepts, and they close out the date by listening to some random country band perform a song about—wait for it—love stories. The Bachelor is never, ever subtle.
The next day on the group date, the plan is to go hiking. Getting lost in the woods with Arie is not my idea of a good time, but Kendall thinks she’ll shine. They meet two survival experts who scare the women with stories of black bears and drinking pee.
“Gandhi used to drink his own pee…but I’m not Ghandi.” – Marikh,
Then, the women and Arie all pee into canisters and HE PROCEEDS TO DRINK IT. Tia is impressed, while I am horrified. Turns out, it was just apple juice but I’m still horrified.
“I would drink my pee for Arie.” – Jenna, who needs to raise her
The pee drinking is followed by bug eating, which Kendall is genuinely excited about. Krystal, meanwhile, feels out of her element, but wants you to know it’s the other women who are “desperate.” As the women and Arie legitimately eat bugs (gross gross gross), it starts snowing. So to recap: It’s cold, people are eating bugs, drinking fake pee, and Bekah M. isn’t even here. Worst date ever.
Despite their bug breath, Kendall pulls Arie aside to kiss him. Krystal sees this and reacts…well, you get the idea. She doesn’t have long to mull over this because now they must all break out into groups to hike to the final destination. One lucky (ha) team gets to hike with Arie while the other two teams are on their own. It does not go well, but they all somehow survive.
They arrive at an oasis complete with a large hot tub and buckets of champagne, but Krystal can’t enjoy it because the other women are being, in her opinion, so “desperate” and “high school.” Later, during a private moment, Lauren asks Arie what he’s looking for besides somebody with “a flexible schedule.” What, did he put out a LinkedIn job posting?
Kendall goes into great detail describing her taxidermy, and Arie finds this charming enough to make out with her. “She’s quirky and extremely sexy at the same time,” he declares. Back with the group, Kendall is in the middle of talking about how much she liked this date when Krystal cuts her off to say how challenged she felt. The other women call out Krystal—she was, after all, in Arie’s group and thus got more time with him—but now feels challenged by their challenge.
So, the obvious next thing for Krystal to do is to tell Arie that there’s a target on her back. “It just weighs on me,” she cries. “I think people just feel a little threatened.” Arie responds in the worst way: “Well, of course! You’re beautiful.” UGH. Nobody is jealous of Krystal’s life—they just want her to stop being so condescending and acting as if the world is against her.
Meanwhile, somebody asks Caroline and Tia who Arie’s talking to. They say “Krystal” in witchy, creepy way, like if you say her name three times she’ll appear in the mirror. After her time with Arie, Krystal asks Tia and Caroline to talk to her. She tells them her feelings were hurt on the group date today, but they say they were just goofing around. The go back and forth on this until Tia just gets up and walks out with a sigh. Respect. But now Tia’s worried that Krystal was talking about her to Arie, so she pulls him aside. She reveals that she’s scared because she has feelings for him, and he awards her with the group date rose for being “so vulnerable.” Krystal does not handle this well. Still, she is really proud of herself for “overcoming all those challenges.” K.
Now it’s time for Bekah’s one-on-one date and she looks fabulous in her faux fur vest. She and Arie go horseback riding until they wind up at an outdoor hot tub. They make out. Later, over dinner, Arie says he wants to know everything about Bekah and who she is as a person but then proceeds to talk endlessly about the physical chemistry they have. Eventually talk turns to their potential relationship, and Arie (rightfully) worries that he’s in a different place than Bekah. She takes this opportunity to reveal that she’s 22 and Arie reacts with an actual gasp. They clutch at each other’s faces until Arie decides to give her the rose anyway, despite his worries about the age difference.
“I knew Bekha was young, I just didn’t know she was THIS young.” –
The evening of the rose ceremony arrives, but Chris Harrison tells the women that Arie has made up is mind and is canceling the cocktail party. So it’s right to the rose ceremony, praise be.
“To say they were shocked and dismayed is a gross understatement.” –
Chris Harrison. Is it though?
But just as Arie is about to hand out the roses, Krystal interrupts and asks if she can get a minute of his time. They go to a loft area, where Krystal whispers about things that definitely could have waited. The women are not pleased. Once Krystal is ready, the roses go to: Lauren, Kendall, Ashley, Becca, Chelsea, Jenna, Jacqueline, Marikh, and Krystal. Bye, Caroline and Brittany!
We end with a “fight” between Marikh and Chelsea. Marikh accuses Chelsea of “glam shaming” her because she told Arie that Marikh was using a compass as a mirror to fix her hair. Chelsea is confused, but wants to set the record straight: She is and always has been “pro glam.”
Next week: “They’re making out!”