People like to complain about how the United States is the worst place to live ever: that all our “freedoms” are just illusions created by the CIA to keep us fat and happy, how our education system is pretty fuckin’ stupid compared to other countries along with “Blah blah blah POPULAR VOTE blah blah blah #NotMyPresident.”
Well you know what? This country isn’t perfect.
…But this country also doesn’t have big-ass pythons roaming around willy-nilly. If you had to choose between a completely perfect country that has pythons slitherin’ their way down the street on the regular, versus a country that has its faults BUT no wild pythons – which do you pick?
That’s a question best asked to Akbar Salubiro, an Indonesian man who went missing for a few days and was eventually discovered in the stomach of a, YOU GUESSED IT, 23-foot-long python:
Friends and family began searching for Akbar after he failed to return home after leaving for work a few days prior, and it wasn’t long until they stumbled upon the fat fuck of a python you see in the above video chillin’ in his back yard. If it were me, I’m not sure I would’ve assumed Akbar was in there. Pythons only move about one mile per hour and catch their prey by surprising them in ambush – the yard in the video doesn’t seem to have a ton of hiding spaces. So in order for Akbar to be eaten, he would’ve had to literally lay on the ground and…wait? Then after the snake started eating him he would’ve had to continue to sit there and do nothing. You see why I’m confused here? To get eaten by a python in your back yard you’d have to have zero limbs; Akbar had four. Maybe he had a heart attack, dropped dead and THEN the python ate him?
Someone interrogate something, because curious minds (read: me and only me, probably) want to know goddammit.
Regardless, Akbar’s body was recovered completely intact and the video of its retrieval has since gone viral. Which brings us back to my original question…
Perfect country with a TON of pythons, or imperfect country with no pythons? GO!